Love in the shape of a cigarette

Today, earlier.
I enter the hospital room. My aunty is there, just arrived from Germany. She can't talk, devastated by the sight of her mom.
My sister and I have been so lucky, yesterday our grand-mother was conscious. She moaned, but opened her eyes sometimes, pressed my hands so tight when I was crying.

I need you, I need you to press my hand whenever I cry, Bonne-maman. I need you.
How selfish.

I am smoking my cigarette as typing.

I remember when I was a teen. It was Christmas. I decided to smoke a cigarette, just like, erm, everybody around.
People, relatives, got shocked.

My grand-mother, so delicate, so much old-fashioned in her way, so much into traditions, etc... My grand-mother asked for a cigarette too.
Big shocked eyes from everyone.

She smoked that cigarette, that was so funny,  telling everyone a cigarette from time to time was really an enjoyable little thing.
She was supporting me. Not to smoke, but against the rest of the rigid family. : ))

I love her.

Today, in her hospital bed, connected to so many things, she does not react anymore. I wish I could connect myself to this weird stuff. Supporting her against death.

But.
You just don't go against death.

***

PS: 
Jenny, I got your message, I have no idea why it does not get published, but thank you so much! : )))

Quicksand

I walk, one step, then another.

The ground isn't as hard as I thought, I'm about to lose my balance sometimes, even fall.
It was scary the first times.
you just don't know how often you will fall. Then you learn how to. Just like when skiing : )

I'm learning to love quicksands, because I think life is truly this way. Don't take anything for granted, anything.

I'm about to start a heavy week. Tomorrow, trying to defend myself for a job and later my case with my lawyer.

I am back to cigarettes for real, well 1, 2 a day. Bad enough. But however bad it is, right now stopping is not my priority.

;-)

Hot background for cold inside

I've really had a love affair with my blog since years now. "Blog affair" is such a logical, natural title!

I escape to come and write down what I feel, and that will be more true than ever with this new one. I'll have no limit, except the rules I give to myself.
If you come around and read these words, that's so cool. I believe in exchange, words, talks.

What about that hot background photo (that you won't see on a smaller screen :P)?
Me exposing myself, that sums up the idea of a personal blog. Self-centered.
Then with that blog title, it fits. And I like the red, warm light of it.

Personally, I am far from that background photo. Libido's pretty low and not feeling on top of the world, but then... the wheel always turns, no?