I wanna be a Teddy

Lola went to bed tonight with a sudden stress.

She started talking to me... told me she did not want to be separated from me next week, that she is so tired of that. That she misses me already. She did not want to sleep because it was less time with me (told her I'll join her in her dreams but..)

:(

She said she wanted me to be her teddy Bear so she could be with me night and day.
Gawd, that's very painful, I feel so helpless. I feel the same way Lola does, really.

A (few!) minute(s) in a single mom's life

7.00 : waking up, making everything ready for the devils
8.30: running out, late with the devils, holiday camp
9.05: "hello fellow workers!"
10.30: "Good morning again, your son does not feel well, you gotta come back"
10.45: running out, wondering how I'll manage between a sick kid, work, oh and a fine kid
11.15: back home with the devils, with a list of recommendations for a couple of hours. Neighbours are warned.
12.30: woooshing back to work, shit my home phone does not work. HYPER stress
13.00: telling my boss I gotta go (wondering how I'll manage tomorrow with the pile of work on my desk).

15.00: cuddling my babes, horrible bills waiting on my desk. Trying to look zen, despite all the rest.
 15.02: promising a wonderful end of the week to my devils (while quickly checking how I'll make that possible)

happy (stressed) sigh :)

and I wish I was ....

Human Misery

It's been a week I won't forget at work.

I'm confronted (not directly but as a close witness) to violence and deep human pain. I do admire my colleagues who make so many efforts despite the frustration (of not being able to help most of the people who come to us).

When I leave work, I do not, I can't.. feel *light*.
Friends are really helpful here.

I hope one day I meet someone who'll bring me tenderness and comfort and dreams when I come back home.
But I'm so closed to deep relationship. So dry. I've built a wall, no doubt.
I really should start to break it..

One year later

Been a year now I'm a single mom, and oh god, how much better it feels now than months and months ago!

Had to take a sleeping pill though to be sure i'll sleep this time. It worked wonderfully.

And, well... Been 10 years now I am the happiest mama!

Celebrating the Lola's birthday with a smile on the face was very hard last year,

but very easy this year :)

I confess I am just a mom

People do not get it usually when i tell them i miss my babies when they're not around.

I miss them so much! It's just not natural for me, a mother, to not have my kids near me. Well, yeah ok,it's great to have free time... but usually I'm not in the mood to go out.

I don't even dare telling people how much I miss them because people think I focus too much on them.
* shrugging*

It's just painful, can't help it.

Can't find the English word

for "insouciance".
I remember that time of my life when my personal life was so stable and secure, so comfortable that any problem wasn't a real problem.

I think I lost a lot of myself and childhood a year ago, when my ex left.

Today, everything is complicate; I can't say, I can't guess what tomorrow will be made of.

In the last days, I fought so much for my babies and myself, found myself talking to a wall, which is so weird. Scary.

I hope one day I can wake up without feeling the weight of y own life. I want to feel light again, to laugh with my babes without worrying that much.

That will happen.

How are you doing?

I am doing ok. That's all I can say.

Moving sands has become my homeland. I deserve a crown, well... I think.
Royalty suits my dreams.

Sometimes these moving sands background lights my fire to go beyond my own limits, sometimes it scares me, and I feel petrified.

But I have a lighthouse in my life.

A lighthouse in the shape of 2 wonderfull kids holding their kitties in their arms.

That makes such a difference. That makes everything.

Neighbours (aka The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)

I live in a village, part of a big city, where some people find it hard to say hello. Even people that you know since ages.
I can't explain why. Human nature full of pride and prejudice.

I am very out of the circle of people ignoring... life in its most simple shape.

But then, out of that circle, my lil village is actually  full of wonderful individuals

I've just spent such a good time at my neighbours'. Simple, full of care and tenderness.
My kind of Human nature.

Mourning my baby boy

As most have seen on FB, I lost Conan in a tragic accident that I could have prevented.

I am so mad at myself, I know it's an accident but...
Conan belonged to the Innocents of this world, something like that. This shouldn't have happened.

He felt on Friday evening from the 5th floor.
Crashed, mewed.
Lola screamed, I was working. I rushed down the stairs. Found him there scared, hiding behind the fence.
I took him back upstairs. Said to the kids he seemed in shock.

Lola had him in her arms for a couple of minutes. Then he started to breathe in a unusual way, his eyes looking weird.

I asked Lola to give him back to me, put him on my knees. He wasn't comfortable. He wanted to move. I put him down, he made a few steps. He started to spit blood and pieces of whatever from his insides. I told the kids to go to the neighbours, fast fast. I went with them to explain, it took a few seconds.

I came back and my baby was lying in his own blood, tongue out, eyes empty. There were really blood everywhere around him.
I called my sister, she would help me. But she was unreachable. I called my mom, I collapsed on the phone, I did not know what to do, I was screaming, panicking. Desperate. Sounds childish, I don't know. But I felt like someone was stabbing my heart, couldn't breathe.

A neighbour joined, I think he was more shocked than I already was.
I took a trash bag, put my baby into it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My neighbour took him down to the cellar.

I went to look for the kids. I explained them, they already knew anyway. we all cried quietly for long minutes, holding each other.
Once they were in (my) bed, Loup fell asleep while crying, and I said to Lola I had to go to the veterinary for a few minutes (he is just at the corner of the street, working night and day).
So there I was, walking by midnight with my dead kitty in a bag. I cried in front of the veterinary, couldn't help. He understood of course. He had prepared all the papers to take care of the body of my baby.

What an awful evening. I felt I had failed my Conan. Guilt is selfish, it's not what matters. My baby was gone in a few minutes. * Sigh *

Sorry if I talk a lot, I had to do it. Love you my lil Conan, king of the kittyworld, or red carpet : )

A thought full of love

For Christa.

My beloved mother in law died a year ago. After terrible sufferings.
That was probably, precisely the beginning of a hard life chapter for me.
I loved her so much.
I keep her close in my heart. I remember her voice so clearly, her tenderness. She was a mom to me, so sweet.

I get her photo not far, everyday I send her kisses.

I miss you so much, Christa.

Love in the shape of a cigarette

Today, earlier.
I enter the hospital room. My aunty is there, just arrived from Germany. She can't talk, devastated by the sight of her mom.
My sister and I have been so lucky, yesterday our grand-mother was conscious. She moaned, but opened her eyes sometimes, pressed my hands so tight when I was crying.

I need you, I need you to press my hand whenever I cry, Bonne-maman. I need you.
How selfish.

I am smoking my cigarette as typing.

I remember when I was a teen. It was Christmas. I decided to smoke a cigarette, just like, erm, everybody around.
People, relatives, got shocked.

My grand-mother, so delicate, so much old-fashioned in her way, so much into traditions, etc... My grand-mother asked for a cigarette too.
Big shocked eyes from everyone.

She smoked that cigarette, that was so funny,  telling everyone a cigarette from time to time was really an enjoyable little thing.
She was supporting me. Not to smoke, but against the rest of the rigid family. : ))

I love her.

Today, in her hospital bed, connected to so many things, she does not react anymore. I wish I could connect myself to this weird stuff. Supporting her against death.

But.
You just don't go against death.

***

PS: 
Jenny, I got your message, I have no idea why it does not get published, but thank you so much! : )))

Behind the screen...

..You read my words. You don't leave a comment or you do, but I know you're reading.
Writing down on here is actually so comforting.

I know exactly who I am talking to.

you...
YOU !

Anticipation, stress and cigarette

My devils start their Winter holidays tomorrow.
What does it mean now for me? It means I gotta learn how to "share" them. I'm not used to not have them close to me.
It's crazy, painful.
For a few days, I'll feel sick inside, I'll keep myself as busy as possible. Sport and friends will be like Heaven. Sweet escape.

I've had a packet of cigarettes  for 2 months. I've smoked one only.
2 others borrowed to friends.
I'll never let cigarettes be an addiction again, but these cigarettes have been truly good. I dream of that cigarette I'll have on one of those evenings, when I will think about the sleeping face of my babes, the peaceful rhythm of their heart. And miss them : )

Fucking Valentine ?

.. When it comes to forced roses and chocolate, it gets so annoying.
(..... well, of course like anyone spitting on V day, I still love chocolate and roses! Roses made of chocolate would be a must :P)

But then, I looooove it this way  :