I confess I am just a mom

People do not get it usually when i tell them i miss my babies when they're not around.

I miss them so much! It's just not natural for me, a mother, to not have my kids near me. Well, yeah ok,it's great to have free time... but usually I'm not in the mood to go out.

I don't even dare telling people how much I miss them because people think I focus too much on them.
* shrugging*

It's just painful, can't help it.

Taiming the lonely beast

It's been 8 months now I've been living alone with my devils and demons.
But alone as an adult, a woman.

One of my demons dies, no one around to help me. Still gotta learn about that.

My babes, adorable devils... gotta focus on them night and day at 100%. I'm getting good at that.

Sleeping alone in a huge bed, scary at the beginning. Got used to it.

Going out, a man following me, no one next to me to make me feel safe. Gotta count on myself only. I'm practising.

Successes. I want to raise my glass to a good piece of news. I want to make love and celebrate. But there I am talking to my beloved Satan, which is different, but good too.

Failures. I would need support late at night, a partner telling it's gonna be ok. But I look at myself in the mirror. It's just you and I. I'm adjusting. A cigarette still helps at the moment.

Future. Hard to imagine any. But if I make my babes happy when they wake up, then it's wonderful. Feeding them, making them feel safe and totally loved is what matters.

Men. I have a perfect age to be of men's interest, young, old, they're all into it. I look at myself in the mirror.. and now what?

Being alone. A burden. A gift? .. A Freedom where independence takes its full meaning.

Coming back home. And no one waiting for you. But that mirror, telling everything.

It's 2.00am, I'm just back home, gonna watch something. Can't sleep. It's just Satan and I this weekend.

And I'll make the best of it.

The journey is within myself. I had forgotten who I was. Maybe... maybe... it's the opportunity of my life..


System Of A Down - Lonely Day par hahaestcemoi

Mourning my baby boy

As most have seen on FB, I lost Conan in a tragic accident that I could have prevented.

I am so mad at myself, I know it's an accident but...
Conan belonged to the Innocents of this world, something like that. This shouldn't have happened.

He felt on Friday evening from the 5th floor.
Crashed, mewed.
Lola screamed, I was working. I rushed down the stairs. Found him there scared, hiding behind the fence.
I took him back upstairs. Said to the kids he seemed in shock.

Lola had him in her arms for a couple of minutes. Then he started to breathe in a unusual way, his eyes looking weird.

I asked Lola to give him back to me, put him on my knees. He wasn't comfortable. He wanted to move. I put him down, he made a few steps. He started to spit blood and pieces of whatever from his insides. I told the kids to go to the neighbours, fast fast. I went with them to explain, it took a few seconds.

I came back and my baby was lying in his own blood, tongue out, eyes empty. There were really blood everywhere around him.
I called my sister, she would help me. But she was unreachable. I called my mom, I collapsed on the phone, I did not know what to do, I was screaming, panicking. Desperate. Sounds childish, I don't know. But I felt like someone was stabbing my heart, couldn't breathe.

A neighbour joined, I think he was more shocked than I already was.
I took a trash bag, put my baby into it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My neighbour took him down to the cellar.

I went to look for the kids. I explained them, they already knew anyway. we all cried quietly for long minutes, holding each other.
Once they were in (my) bed, Loup fell asleep while crying, and I said to Lola I had to go to the veterinary for a few minutes (he is just at the corner of the street, working night and day).
So there I was, walking by midnight with my dead kitty in a bag. I cried in front of the veterinary, couldn't help. He understood of course. He had prepared all the papers to take care of the body of my baby.

What an awful evening. I felt I had failed my Conan. Guilt is selfish, it's not what matters. My baby was gone in a few minutes. * Sigh *

Sorry if I talk a lot, I had to do it. Love you my lil Conan, king of the kittyworld, or red carpet : )