Slowly getting back to it

With the lil help of my Xmas elves, I'm getting back to it :)
(thank you Jenny for your email :-))

It's been been and still is some kind of weird time, fighting for bloody money, works, trying to make my babes happy, forgetting myself a bit too much in the whole process...

Time to multitask even more, for the best.

How are you doing?

I am doing ok. That's all I can say.

Moving sands has become my homeland. I deserve a crown, well... I think.
Royalty suits my dreams.

Sometimes these moving sands background lights my fire to go beyond my own limits, sometimes it scares me, and I feel petrified.

But I have a lighthouse in my life.

A lighthouse in the shape of 2 wonderfull kids holding their kitties in their arms.

That makes such a difference. That makes everything.

Kitty moment

Done! Satan and Morphine are like mother and daughter!It's just so good to see that new feline pair getting on so well. They sleep together, play together, fight against each other.

Morphine is SO expressive, i'm not used to that.
She really comes to me for cuddles.
She mews to talk to me with her big eyes opened. She tries to lick my face whenever she feels sweet.

She's not just and angel though!
She steals food whenever she can, then hides it in the washing machine...

 Today she's stolen a sponge, can't find it anymore and she has put another one into pieces. Oh she's having fun!

Liberation de Paris.. by proud devils

and amused mama ;)

Oh Loup looked so "into it" behind the wheel
And Lola so pretty!
















And well I got caught in a trap, lovely men in uniform, can't resist (the moustache effect....Mmm) !

Temps modernes ?

..Just stressing Paris? Or a mom on her own ?

it's 7.30pm
Rushing back from work, taking lil time for the babes that have been on their own for some time after holiday camp.
Rushing out to the veterinary, with Morphine and the devils, before I'd pay twice the price because it's already night schedule.
Rushing back home, giving Morphine her lil medication.

Then rushing out again because a mom had promised her babes they would get new stuff for school. And they wouldn't wait.

Back home. It's 10.00pm. Gotta feed the devils.
But super happy devils just back from shopping by night.

..And then the sofa was mine, not even energy to check for the snail mail (invoices for sure) I got.

Well.. Super happy devils is motivating enough :)

Taiming the lonely beast

It's been 8 months now I've been living alone with my devils and demons.
But alone as an adult, a woman.

One of my demons dies, no one around to help me. Still gotta learn about that.

My babes, adorable devils... gotta focus on them night and day at 100%. I'm getting good at that.

Sleeping alone in a huge bed, scary at the beginning. Got used to it.

Going out, a man following me, no one next to me to make me feel safe. Gotta count on myself only. I'm practising.

Successes. I want to raise my glass to a good piece of news. I want to make love and celebrate. But there I am talking to my beloved Satan, which is different, but good too.

Failures. I would need support late at night, a partner telling it's gonna be ok. But I look at myself in the mirror. It's just you and I. I'm adjusting. A cigarette still helps at the moment.

Future. Hard to imagine any. But if I make my babes happy when they wake up, then it's wonderful. Feeding them, making them feel safe and totally loved is what matters.

Men. I have a perfect age to be of men's interest, young, old, they're all into it. I look at myself in the mirror.. and now what?

Being alone. A burden. A gift? .. A Freedom where independence takes its full meaning.

Coming back home. And no one waiting for you. But that mirror, telling everything.

It's 2.00am, I'm just back home, gonna watch something. Can't sleep. It's just Satan and I this weekend.

And I'll make the best of it.

The journey is within myself. I had forgotten who I was. Maybe... maybe... it's the opportunity of my life..


System Of A Down - Lonely Day par hahaestcemoi

A thought full of love

For Christa.

My beloved mother in law died a year ago. After terrible sufferings.
That was probably, precisely the beginning of a hard life chapter for me.
I loved her so much.
I keep her close in my heart. I remember her voice so clearly, her tenderness. She was a mom to me, so sweet.

I get her photo not far, everyday I send her kisses.

I miss you so much, Christa.

Paradise should be just at the corner

I don't know.

On Saturday, I was in that hospital room with my mom. We were talking. It was about 7.00pm. We were used to the heavy breathing of my grand mother with her mask, oxygen, etc.

But suddenly.. Silence. Deadly silence.

"Mom, mom, she's stopping breathing !!!"
My hand on her heart. Not to check anything, just to, I don't know, touch her.
She breathes 2 times. One time.
She's gone.

My mom rushes to the doc, I take my grand-ma in my arms, crying. "No, no no no!!!"
She's gone.

"Why do you leave when I am with you, I can't handle that, I don't know how to handle that"

My sister had just left, my grandma wanted to spare her, I know.

We leave the room a few minutes later. The medical staff say they will "prepare her".
I ask them if they can close her mouth. "no problem !"

We leave for 20 minutes, my sister's back with us.
I get a call from Jenny, asking for news. Jenny, an angel : ))

We go back to the room, I expect to see my grandma, all pretty.
But.
She's in a white plastic bag already, around her head a bandage. She's already completely yellow.
(why did the skin turn SO yellow?? weird)

I was the first to be back in the room. I rush out, I tell my sis to wait a minute to get ready for something bad.

I get back there, open the plastic back down to her waist. I arrange a bedshit around her head, to hide the bandage.
My sister can't approach her, can't look at her. My mom is devastated.

I'm happy I'm a girl with a girlie handbag. I kiss my grandma. I start to put some nail varnish on her pretty hands.
Some light lipstick on her pretty lips. Now she's so pretty in death.
I hug her tight tight. And I won't stop for hours. Her still warm dead body comfort me.

Tomorrow, the funerals.

And tomorrow, probably the first judgement for my divorce.
I'm used to the worst at the moment, since months, so, it shouldn't be that bad.

Wish me luck when I read love words during the ceremony. It will happen at 11.00am.
I think I am strong, but I am not sure really.

Vampire bites

The family, uncles, aunts, etc, called today. What a festival..
They don't want me to keep going to the hospital alone. My grand-mother is too close to death now they say, blind, moaning in a most painful way despite the morphine.

And I wondered why I was so down lately. Many reasons could explain that. But I realise it's my time at the hospital. The smell of death there. My energy and sensitivity being devoured.

When I am there, I believe I am strong and it goes pretty well. But once back home, I feeling like throwing up, I cry and I do not make the direct link with the hospital. I remember a year ago being at the hospital while my mother n law was dying. I think of my lil problems. I get down, more than usual.

The real thing sucking energy in me is that hospital. My grand-ma suffering like in hell, unable to die.
I believe my family's right. None of them, including my sister, can stand spending hours there alone.

Guardian angels

My lil grand-mother ("lil", no she's way taller than I! but she's so weak...)

On Friday morning, my sister and I (the geographically closest to the hospital), were called. "your grand mother is dying now".

We hurry, join there, scared of what we will find. Our grand mother still alive or..?
The rest of the family waits for our calls. Others will arrive to the hospital later.

She was still alive, so weak.

Today, she is weaker.
But she can open her eyes, she is "here". But you feel she is living her last days.

It is almost worse that she is conscious. Despite the morphine, she is suffering so much, you can see it.

It is hard, really hard.

Harder for those who can't be with her as much as I can. Like for my sister who can't miss work anymore.
At least there's almost always someone with her on day time.

She's surrounded with so much love : ))