I wanna be a Teddy

Lola went to bed tonight with a sudden stress.

She started talking to me... told me she did not want to be separated from me next week, that she is so tired of that. That she misses me already. She did not want to sleep because it was less time with me (told her I'll join her in her dreams but..)

:(

She said she wanted me to be her teddy Bear so she could be with me night and day.
Gawd, that's very painful, I feel so helpless. I feel the same way Lola does, really.

Cupcakes & snakes

I've finished Sophie Syphilis a few days ago. This is such a personal painting! Feeling like painting with blood.. honest!
Just had to wait for the rain to stop to get the right light for the photos :) ... and taking pics of paintings never fit the reality (sigh). I need a good photographer in my life! :P

click here for details

Kitty moment

Done! Satan and Morphine are like mother and daughter!It's just so good to see that new feline pair getting on so well. They sleep together, play together, fight against each other.

Morphine is SO expressive, i'm not used to that.
She really comes to me for cuddles.
She mews to talk to me with her big eyes opened. She tries to lick my face whenever she feels sweet.

She's not just and angel though!
She steals food whenever she can, then hides it in the washing machine...

 Today she's stolen a sponge, can't find it anymore and she has put another one into pieces. Oh she's having fun!

The day after the Blue Moon's lullaby

Cocorosie-Lemonade par piasfrance

Not a Boy toy, but pretty close!

In a week I played with myself, rather my lil toys, pretty often.
From a beautiful never failing BB (blackberry), I switched to a sexy samsung nexus, to finally reach heaven with the Devil. Yeah, that tells a lot. ;-)

I swear I resisted a LOT before joining the Apple sect. The toy is... simply better, I could compare and can't deny it.. * shrugging*

Now I am waiting for my goodie, a custom made leather protection. I hesitated (not for long) between two designs (from the same God artist):

Oops, where is my mind?

My paintings should already be on the walls of that big art shop. But I had completely forgotten about it!

Showing my paintings for 2 months with publicity on some website, that is cool. But shit, I forgot.
Gotta fix that by Monday.

Which painting shall I show (tiny space)? .. Hm, Lola and I fixed that while roasting in the sun earlier today.
How will I carry and fix them? I count on my two devils to help me. That's kinda fun. We make a great team.

There should be this one, and a dozen of others.

Life is so busy for me, it's hard to focus! :)

Neighbours (aka The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)

I live in a village, part of a big city, where some people find it hard to say hello. Even people that you know since ages.
I can't explain why. Human nature full of pride and prejudice.

I am very out of the circle of people ignoring... life in its most simple shape.

But then, out of that circle, my lil village is actually  full of wonderful individuals

I've just spent such a good time at my neighbours'. Simple, full of care and tenderness.
My kind of Human nature.

Flashy, trashy, yummy

Well, I used to wear only red or black for underwears. That was in my former life.

I found those in teenage stores. Hehe... well these colours are very me. The trash side of them, the weird contrast with my orange kind of hair... is totally exquisite to me :)

Days are too short for a blog writer :)

July has gone like... pfffffffffffffffffft!

Work is being so intense... a part time job that would require full time I think.
No holidays this year, what a contrast with last year(s) in the hobbit house.

I've joined my babes several times in Bretonie but would not go there, in the hobbit house. Too many memories.

My devils are back in Paris (they came back 10 days ago). I run to work, come back quickly to take care of them. We spend much time at the swimmingpool, gotta help them learning how to swim better and better.
Yet, they gotta go to some "city" holiday camp. I have no other choice (sigh). But they enjoy it (happy sigh).

When they were in Brittany, I've been out all the time. Friends taking care of me, so precious and incredible. Gotta say I am almost a diva at the moment, refusing invitations again and again. Just no time! :)

Having 2 jobs, taking care of my babes, not forgetting sport and friends. My days are full. Too full to blog that regularly!

Tonight I've just finished a painting. Getting back to it, adjusting to my new crazy rhythm.

Oh in 3 weeks, we should welcome another kitty baby at home!!! She already gets a name, but shhhhhh... secret!

My babes are being wonderful, we make such a perfect trio. They're supportive, helpful and I try to give them back  much love and attention.

A thought full of love

For Christa.

My beloved mother in law died a year ago. After terrible sufferings.
That was probably, precisely the beginning of a hard life chapter for me.
I loved her so much.
I keep her close in my heart. I remember her voice so clearly, her tenderness. She was a mom to me, so sweet.

I get her photo not far, everyday I send her kisses.

I miss you so much, Christa.

Heaven is a place on earth with you

I'm so sorry for the lack of news, the lack of answers to emails or messages. Any of them matters so much to me. Every word makes a difference.
Thank you... thank you, my beloved ones : )))

As always, I'm running after time.
I'm digesting the death of my grand-ma (she's burried at the feet of old mountains, and stupid, I worry she's cold, that really haunts me), I'm getting back to the job hunting, try to cope with the divorce process. And my babes. Lola's having epileptic crisis again, which is my priority now. And Loup is fine, but I keep a careful and attentive eye on him : )
They were very brave during the funerals, comforting their lil cousins.

I'm also back to the painting works. Finished a collage days ago, works on an order just now.
I don't give a fuck to the French elections that just happened. ** shrugging **. I paint, I do my own (adored) duty. : )

Heaven is here, and nowhere else. I have Hope, i'll find or build it.
Thank you, Gontran, for that song.

Paradise should be just at the corner

I don't know.

On Saturday, I was in that hospital room with my mom. We were talking. It was about 7.00pm. We were used to the heavy breathing of my grand mother with her mask, oxygen, etc.

But suddenly.. Silence. Deadly silence.

"Mom, mom, she's stopping breathing !!!"
My hand on her heart. Not to check anything, just to, I don't know, touch her.
She breathes 2 times. One time.
She's gone.

My mom rushes to the doc, I take my grand-ma in my arms, crying. "No, no no no!!!"
She's gone.

"Why do you leave when I am with you, I can't handle that, I don't know how to handle that"

My sister had just left, my grandma wanted to spare her, I know.

We leave the room a few minutes later. The medical staff say they will "prepare her".
I ask them if they can close her mouth. "no problem !"

We leave for 20 minutes, my sister's back with us.
I get a call from Jenny, asking for news. Jenny, an angel : ))

We go back to the room, I expect to see my grandma, all pretty.
But.
She's in a white plastic bag already, around her head a bandage. She's already completely yellow.
(why did the skin turn SO yellow?? weird)

I was the first to be back in the room. I rush out, I tell my sis to wait a minute to get ready for something bad.

I get back there, open the plastic back down to her waist. I arrange a bedshit around her head, to hide the bandage.
My sister can't approach her, can't look at her. My mom is devastated.

I'm happy I'm a girl with a girlie handbag. I kiss my grandma. I start to put some nail varnish on her pretty hands.
Some light lipstick on her pretty lips. Now she's so pretty in death.
I hug her tight tight. And I won't stop for hours. Her still warm dead body comfort me.

Tomorrow, the funerals.

And tomorrow, probably the first judgement for my divorce.
I'm used to the worst at the moment, since months, so, it shouldn't be that bad.

Wish me luck when I read love words during the ceremony. It will happen at 11.00am.
I think I am strong, but I am not sure really.

Vampire bites

The family, uncles, aunts, etc, called today. What a festival..
They don't want me to keep going to the hospital alone. My grand-mother is too close to death now they say, blind, moaning in a most painful way despite the morphine.

And I wondered why I was so down lately. Many reasons could explain that. But I realise it's my time at the hospital. The smell of death there. My energy and sensitivity being devoured.

When I am there, I believe I am strong and it goes pretty well. But once back home, I feeling like throwing up, I cry and I do not make the direct link with the hospital. I remember a year ago being at the hospital while my mother n law was dying. I think of my lil problems. I get down, more than usual.

The real thing sucking energy in me is that hospital. My grand-ma suffering like in hell, unable to die.
I believe my family's right. None of them, including my sister, can stand spending hours there alone.

still pushing the heavy wheel

On Thursday, I get another job interveiw, I shouldn't even talk of it on here (superstition!) , but well...
Assistant in a private clinic in the 16th arrondissement.
Dunno how I'll get the time to prepare the interview with the devils around, but I'll make it : )

Body pump, attack, combat & now Zumba!

One thing that really helps me to be strong enough and not too down is sport. When everything collapses around and I can still push my body to limits with sport, then I believe I can succeed with everything.
It's absolutely astonishing how it does matter today.

On Sunday, I joined a special session of Zumba (hip-hop & Latin dance-inspired fitness program) for 2 hours.
Well I hated zumba before but... I just dived into it, feeling I needed that besides musculation & fitness. It was so exhausting and so cool.

Below are two choreographies that we do in Zumba. I tell you, when *you* do it, it's super fun, when you watch it, it's fun too ;-)

Guardian angels

My lil grand-mother ("lil", no she's way taller than I! but she's so weak...)

On Friday morning, my sister and I (the geographically closest to the hospital), were called. "your grand mother is dying now".

We hurry, join there, scared of what we will find. Our grand mother still alive or..?
The rest of the family waits for our calls. Others will arrive to the hospital later.

She was still alive, so weak.

Today, she is weaker.
But she can open her eyes, she is "here". But you feel she is living her last days.

It is almost worse that she is conscious. Despite the morphine, she is suffering so much, you can see it.

It is hard, really hard.

Harder for those who can't be with her as much as I can. Like for my sister who can't miss work anymore.
At least there's almost always someone with her on day time.

She's surrounded with so much love : ))

When the planets act really badly...

.. against me ;-)

I should have started a job this week. Got a message when I entered the hospital room. It was cancelled, the offer.

It does not matter so much just now. It's just. sigh.

I have three professional dreams you know. Being a painter (i'm on it :P), being a tattooist ( I * only * have to buy the full equipment now to start learning the tattoo art), and being a professional bar-tender, making the best cocktails on earth. I would love that, I am totally into it, motivated to learn everything about it. : )

I could do the three ones in the same place. It could be in Florida, no? Or the Caribbean islands!

Dreams : )

Love in the shape of a cigarette

Today, earlier.
I enter the hospital room. My aunty is there, just arrived from Germany. She can't talk, devastated by the sight of her mom.
My sister and I have been so lucky, yesterday our grand-mother was conscious. She moaned, but opened her eyes sometimes, pressed my hands so tight when I was crying.

I need you, I need you to press my hand whenever I cry, Bonne-maman. I need you.
How selfish.

I am smoking my cigarette as typing.

I remember when I was a teen. It was Christmas. I decided to smoke a cigarette, just like, erm, everybody around.
People, relatives, got shocked.

My grand-mother, so delicate, so much old-fashioned in her way, so much into traditions, etc... My grand-mother asked for a cigarette too.
Big shocked eyes from everyone.

She smoked that cigarette, that was so funny,  telling everyone a cigarette from time to time was really an enjoyable little thing.
She was supporting me. Not to smoke, but against the rest of the rigid family. : ))

I love her.

Today, in her hospital bed, connected to so many things, she does not react anymore. I wish I could connect myself to this weird stuff. Supporting her against death.

But.
You just don't go against death.

***

PS: 
Jenny, I got your message, I have no idea why it does not get published, but thank you so much! : )))

Behind the screen...

..You read my words. You don't leave a comment or you do, but I know you're reading.
Writing down on here is actually so comforting.

I know exactly who I am talking to.

you...
YOU !

Trio .... grande : )