Mourning my baby boy

As most have seen on FB, I lost Conan in a tragic accident that I could have prevented.

I am so mad at myself, I know it's an accident but...
Conan belonged to the Innocents of this world, something like that. This shouldn't have happened.

He felt on Friday evening from the 5th floor.
Crashed, mewed.
Lola screamed, I was working. I rushed down the stairs. Found him there scared, hiding behind the fence.
I took him back upstairs. Said to the kids he seemed in shock.

Lola had him in her arms for a couple of minutes. Then he started to breathe in a unusual way, his eyes looking weird.

I asked Lola to give him back to me, put him on my knees. He wasn't comfortable. He wanted to move. I put him down, he made a few steps. He started to spit blood and pieces of whatever from his insides. I told the kids to go to the neighbours, fast fast. I went with them to explain, it took a few seconds.

I came back and my baby was lying in his own blood, tongue out, eyes empty. There were really blood everywhere around him.
I called my sister, she would help me. But she was unreachable. I called my mom, I collapsed on the phone, I did not know what to do, I was screaming, panicking. Desperate. Sounds childish, I don't know. But I felt like someone was stabbing my heart, couldn't breathe.

A neighbour joined, I think he was more shocked than I already was.
I took a trash bag, put my baby into it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My neighbour took him down to the cellar.

I went to look for the kids. I explained them, they already knew anyway. we all cried quietly for long minutes, holding each other.
Once they were in (my) bed, Loup fell asleep while crying, and I said to Lola I had to go to the veterinary for a few minutes (he is just at the corner of the street, working night and day).
So there I was, walking by midnight with my dead kitty in a bag. I cried in front of the veterinary, couldn't help. He understood of course. He had prepared all the papers to take care of the body of my baby.

What an awful evening. I felt I had failed my Conan. Guilt is selfish, it's not what matters. My baby was gone in a few minutes. * Sigh *

Sorry if I talk a lot, I had to do it. Love you my lil Conan, king of the kittyworld, or red carpet : )

A thought full of love

For Christa.

My beloved mother in law died a year ago. After terrible sufferings.
That was probably, precisely the beginning of a hard life chapter for me.
I loved her so much.
I keep her close in my heart. I remember her voice so clearly, her tenderness. She was a mom to me, so sweet.

I get her photo not far, everyday I send her kisses.

I miss you so much, Christa.

Heaven is a place on earth with you

I'm so sorry for the lack of news, the lack of answers to emails or messages. Any of them matters so much to me. Every word makes a difference.
Thank you... thank you, my beloved ones : )))

As always, I'm running after time.
I'm digesting the death of my grand-ma (she's burried at the feet of old mountains, and stupid, I worry she's cold, that really haunts me), I'm getting back to the job hunting, try to cope with the divorce process. And my babes. Lola's having epileptic crisis again, which is my priority now. And Loup is fine, but I keep a careful and attentive eye on him : )
They were very brave during the funerals, comforting their lil cousins.

I'm also back to the painting works. Finished a collage days ago, works on an order just now.
I don't give a fuck to the French elections that just happened. ** shrugging **. I paint, I do my own (adored) duty. : )

Heaven is here, and nowhere else. I have Hope, i'll find or build it.
Thank you, Gontran, for that song.

Paradise should be just at the corner

I don't know.

On Saturday, I was in that hospital room with my mom. We were talking. It was about 7.00pm. We were used to the heavy breathing of my grand mother with her mask, oxygen, etc.

But suddenly.. Silence. Deadly silence.

"Mom, mom, she's stopping breathing !!!"
My hand on her heart. Not to check anything, just to, I don't know, touch her.
She breathes 2 times. One time.
She's gone.

My mom rushes to the doc, I take my grand-ma in my arms, crying. "No, no no no!!!"
She's gone.

"Why do you leave when I am with you, I can't handle that, I don't know how to handle that"

My sister had just left, my grandma wanted to spare her, I know.

We leave the room a few minutes later. The medical staff say they will "prepare her".
I ask them if they can close her mouth. "no problem !"

We leave for 20 minutes, my sister's back with us.
I get a call from Jenny, asking for news. Jenny, an angel : ))

We go back to the room, I expect to see my grandma, all pretty.
But.
She's in a white plastic bag already, around her head a bandage. She's already completely yellow.
(why did the skin turn SO yellow?? weird)

I was the first to be back in the room. I rush out, I tell my sis to wait a minute to get ready for something bad.

I get back there, open the plastic back down to her waist. I arrange a bedshit around her head, to hide the bandage.
My sister can't approach her, can't look at her. My mom is devastated.

I'm happy I'm a girl with a girlie handbag. I kiss my grandma. I start to put some nail varnish on her pretty hands.
Some light lipstick on her pretty lips. Now she's so pretty in death.
I hug her tight tight. And I won't stop for hours. Her still warm dead body comfort me.

Tomorrow, the funerals.

And tomorrow, probably the first judgement for my divorce.
I'm used to the worst at the moment, since months, so, it shouldn't be that bad.

Wish me luck when I read love words during the ceremony. It will happen at 11.00am.
I think I am strong, but I am not sure really.

Guardian angels

My lil grand-mother ("lil", no she's way taller than I! but she's so weak...)

On Friday morning, my sister and I (the geographically closest to the hospital), were called. "your grand mother is dying now".

We hurry, join there, scared of what we will find. Our grand mother still alive or..?
The rest of the family waits for our calls. Others will arrive to the hospital later.

She was still alive, so weak.

Today, she is weaker.
But she can open her eyes, she is "here". But you feel she is living her last days.

It is almost worse that she is conscious. Despite the morphine, she is suffering so much, you can see it.

It is hard, really hard.

Harder for those who can't be with her as much as I can. Like for my sister who can't miss work anymore.
At least there's almost always someone with her on day time.

She's surrounded with so much love : ))