How are you doing?

I am doing ok. That's all I can say.

Moving sands has become my homeland. I deserve a crown, well... I think.
Royalty suits my dreams.

Sometimes these moving sands background lights my fire to go beyond my own limits, sometimes it scares me, and I feel petrified.

But I have a lighthouse in my life.

A lighthouse in the shape of 2 wonderfull kids holding their kitties in their arms.

That makes such a difference. That makes everything.

Kitty moment

Done! Satan and Morphine are like mother and daughter!It's just so good to see that new feline pair getting on so well. They sleep together, play together, fight against each other.

Morphine is SO expressive, i'm not used to that.
She really comes to me for cuddles.
She mews to talk to me with her big eyes opened. She tries to lick my face whenever she feels sweet.

She's not just and angel though!
She steals food whenever she can, then hides it in the washing machine...

 Today she's stolen a sponge, can't find it anymore and she has put another one into pieces. Oh she's having fun!

Temps modernes ?

..Just stressing Paris? Or a mom on her own ?

it's 7.30pm
Rushing back from work, taking lil time for the babes that have been on their own for some time after holiday camp.
Rushing out to the veterinary, with Morphine and the devils, before I'd pay twice the price because it's already night schedule.
Rushing back home, giving Morphine her lil medication.

Then rushing out again because a mom had promised her babes they would get new stuff for school. And they wouldn't wait.

Back home. It's 10.00pm. Gotta feed the devils.
But super happy devils just back from shopping by night.

..And then the sofa was mine, not even energy to check for the snail mail (invoices for sure) I got.

Well.. Super happy devils is motivating enough :)

Pretty Morphine

Alors voilà.
I expected a lil tigress from Brittany in 10 days. But the one I already considered like my baby died on Saturday. Her mom had gone way, abandoning her lil ones.. and she did not survive :(
I cried when I heard about it. I am quite emotional, with no shame, at the moment.

I thought about the devils. Told them there would be a mini kitty soon after they're back from Germany.
I checked with my vet where I could find a kitten needing a home.
I jumped in a cab in the next minutes, there was a kind of gathering for abandoned kitten in the next hour at the other side of Paris.

I found Morphine. Or Morphine found me! ;-)
2,5 months-old, born on the same day as I (!).
I paid 180 euros (ouch).. which was given to the association taking care of the abandoned cats.

That was quite justified, she had received the first vaccinations and was already operated (I found that quite young, but ok).

It's been a hard time for Satan, having to share her territory with a crazy lil one. But she's getting used to her and will finally (no doubt) love Morphine.

 Morphine mews all the time in a very strange way (like a blackbird having a cough). She is stuck to me all the time, almost a nightmare when I gotta work on my paintings or eat something! ... but such a pleasure when it's time for cuddles...

She already stole some chicken and went into the washing machine to eat it! Gawd I had forgotten a kitten is like a young kid! Ready for anything! :)

The devils do not know she's here already, and I just can't wait for their face when they discover the lil creature! :)

Days are too short for a blog writer :)

July has gone like... pfffffffffffffffffft!

Work is being so intense... a part time job that would require full time I think.
No holidays this year, what a contrast with last year(s) in the hobbit house.

I've joined my babes several times in Bretonie but would not go there, in the hobbit house. Too many memories.

My devils are back in Paris (they came back 10 days ago). I run to work, come back quickly to take care of them. We spend much time at the swimmingpool, gotta help them learning how to swim better and better.
Yet, they gotta go to some "city" holiday camp. I have no other choice (sigh). But they enjoy it (happy sigh).

When they were in Brittany, I've been out all the time. Friends taking care of me, so precious and incredible. Gotta say I am almost a diva at the moment, refusing invitations again and again. Just no time! :)

Having 2 jobs, taking care of my babes, not forgetting sport and friends. My days are full. Too full to blog that regularly!

Tonight I've just finished a painting. Getting back to it, adjusting to my new crazy rhythm.

Oh in 3 weeks, we should welcome another kitty baby at home!!! She already gets a name, but shhhhhh... secret!

My babes are being wonderful, we make such a perfect trio. They're supportive, helpful and I try to give them back  much love and attention.

Taiming the lonely beast

It's been 8 months now I've been living alone with my devils and demons.
But alone as an adult, a woman.

One of my demons dies, no one around to help me. Still gotta learn about that.

My babes, adorable devils... gotta focus on them night and day at 100%. I'm getting good at that.

Sleeping alone in a huge bed, scary at the beginning. Got used to it.

Going out, a man following me, no one next to me to make me feel safe. Gotta count on myself only. I'm practising.

Successes. I want to raise my glass to a good piece of news. I want to make love and celebrate. But there I am talking to my beloved Satan, which is different, but good too.

Failures. I would need support late at night, a partner telling it's gonna be ok. But I look at myself in the mirror. It's just you and I. I'm adjusting. A cigarette still helps at the moment.

Future. Hard to imagine any. But if I make my babes happy when they wake up, then it's wonderful. Feeding them, making them feel safe and totally loved is what matters.

Men. I have a perfect age to be of men's interest, young, old, they're all into it. I look at myself in the mirror.. and now what?

Being alone. A burden. A gift? .. A Freedom where independence takes its full meaning.

Coming back home. And no one waiting for you. But that mirror, telling everything.

It's 2.00am, I'm just back home, gonna watch something. Can't sleep. It's just Satan and I this weekend.

And I'll make the best of it.

The journey is within myself. I had forgotten who I was. Maybe... maybe... it's the opportunity of my life..


System Of A Down - Lonely Day par hahaestcemoi

Mourning my baby boy

As most have seen on FB, I lost Conan in a tragic accident that I could have prevented.

I am so mad at myself, I know it's an accident but...
Conan belonged to the Innocents of this world, something like that. This shouldn't have happened.

He felt on Friday evening from the 5th floor.
Crashed, mewed.
Lola screamed, I was working. I rushed down the stairs. Found him there scared, hiding behind the fence.
I took him back upstairs. Said to the kids he seemed in shock.

Lola had him in her arms for a couple of minutes. Then he started to breathe in a unusual way, his eyes looking weird.

I asked Lola to give him back to me, put him on my knees. He wasn't comfortable. He wanted to move. I put him down, he made a few steps. He started to spit blood and pieces of whatever from his insides. I told the kids to go to the neighbours, fast fast. I went with them to explain, it took a few seconds.

I came back and my baby was lying in his own blood, tongue out, eyes empty. There were really blood everywhere around him.
I called my sister, she would help me. But she was unreachable. I called my mom, I collapsed on the phone, I did not know what to do, I was screaming, panicking. Desperate. Sounds childish, I don't know. But I felt like someone was stabbing my heart, couldn't breathe.

A neighbour joined, I think he was more shocked than I already was.
I took a trash bag, put my baby into it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My neighbour took him down to the cellar.

I went to look for the kids. I explained them, they already knew anyway. we all cried quietly for long minutes, holding each other.
Once they were in (my) bed, Loup fell asleep while crying, and I said to Lola I had to go to the veterinary for a few minutes (he is just at the corner of the street, working night and day).
So there I was, walking by midnight with my dead kitty in a bag. I cried in front of the veterinary, couldn't help. He understood of course. He had prepared all the papers to take care of the body of my baby.

What an awful evening. I felt I had failed my Conan. Guilt is selfish, it's not what matters. My baby was gone in a few minutes. * Sigh *

Sorry if I talk a lot, I had to do it. Love you my lil Conan, king of the kittyworld, or red carpet : )