Human Misery

It's been a week I won't forget at work.

I'm confronted (not directly but as a close witness) to violence and deep human pain. I do admire my colleagues who make so many efforts despite the frustration (of not being able to help most of the people who come to us).

When I leave work, I do not, I can't.. feel *light*.
Friends are really helpful here.

I hope one day I meet someone who'll bring me tenderness and comfort and dreams when I come back home.
But I'm so closed to deep relationship. So dry. I've built a wall, no doubt.
I really should start to break it..

One year later

Been a year now I'm a single mom, and oh god, how much better it feels now than months and months ago!

Had to take a sleeping pill though to be sure i'll sleep this time. It worked wonderfully.

And, well... Been 10 years now I am the happiest mama!

Celebrating the Lola's birthday with a smile on the face was very hard last year,

but very easy this year :)

I confess I am just a mom

People do not get it usually when i tell them i miss my babies when they're not around.

I miss them so much! It's just not natural for me, a mother, to not have my kids near me. Well, yeah ok,it's great to have free time... but usually I'm not in the mood to go out.

I don't even dare telling people how much I miss them because people think I focus too much on them.
* shrugging*

It's just painful, can't help it.

Little pride

When someone ask about my job... I naturally answer I am a a part-time painter and part-time assistant in humanitarian organisation.
The feed back is so positive that it makes me proud. A bit. If I can succeed in both jobs, I will be really proud.

Can't find the English word

for "insouciance".
I remember that time of my life when my personal life was so stable and secure, so comfortable that any problem wasn't a real problem.

I think I lost a lot of myself and childhood a year ago, when my ex left.

Today, everything is complicate; I can't say, I can't guess what tomorrow will be made of.

In the last days, I fought so much for my babies and myself, found myself talking to a wall, which is so weird. Scary.

I hope one day I can wake up without feeling the weight of y own life. I want to feel light again, to laugh with my babes without worrying that much.

That will happen.

the Killing

I've survived the Killing.

I thought no gossip could ever touch me. But for some days, it did. Maybe because I wasn't the only one concerned. I lost control over some situation and I really do hate that.

People wanting to hurt someone, I don't get it.
People might want to hurt when they are deeply jealous. But jealous of what? My life? really? I don't get it.

I don't even know who really wanted to hurt me but it's been a success.
I'm done with it but won't forget it.

In that collage, I've been about every character behind the iron bars. Today I am the pink haired one, on the top left :)

How are you doing?

I am doing ok. That's all I can say.

Moving sands has become my homeland. I deserve a crown, well... I think.
Royalty suits my dreams.

Sometimes these moving sands background lights my fire to go beyond my own limits, sometimes it scares me, and I feel petrified.

But I have a lighthouse in my life.

A lighthouse in the shape of 2 wonderfull kids holding their kitties in their arms.

That makes such a difference. That makes everything.