Slowly getting back to it

With the lil help of my Xmas elves, I'm getting back to it :)
(thank you Jenny for your email :-))

It's been been and still is some kind of weird time, fighting for bloody money, works, trying to make my babes happy, forgetting myself a bit too much in the whole process...

Time to multitask even more, for the best.

I wanna be a Teddy

Lola went to bed tonight with a sudden stress.

She started talking to me... told me she did not want to be separated from me next week, that she is so tired of that. That she misses me already. She did not want to sleep because it was less time with me (told her I'll join her in her dreams but..)

:(

She said she wanted me to be her teddy Bear so she could be with me night and day.
Gawd, that's very painful, I feel so helpless. I feel the same way Lola does, really.

Oooops !

I went to the doc yesterday. For a check-up for the devils and myself.

Lola is getting so tall, 10cm in a year! //oO\\ ... Another 10cm and she'll be my size!
Loup is growing up very well too :)
No vaccine to be done for them.

But me... a very different story.
When the doc saw my health record, she couldn't believe I've had no vaccines in 20 years...

When she learnt I work with people that may carry more diseases than usual, she asked me to get the 5 vaccines that were missing very quickly.

The needles' session starting on next Monday.
My devils really had the time of their life learning about the treatment their mama will get :)

They even joked asking the doc for needles too. Pffffff :)

A (few!) minute(s) in a single mom's life

7.00 : waking up, making everything ready for the devils
8.30: running out, late with the devils, holiday camp
9.05: "hello fellow workers!"
10.30: "Good morning again, your son does not feel well, you gotta come back"
10.45: running out, wondering how I'll manage between a sick kid, work, oh and a fine kid
11.15: back home with the devils, with a list of recommendations for a couple of hours. Neighbours are warned.
12.30: woooshing back to work, shit my home phone does not work. HYPER stress
13.00: telling my boss I gotta go (wondering how I'll manage tomorrow with the pile of work on my desk).

15.00: cuddling my babes, horrible bills waiting on my desk. Trying to look zen, despite all the rest.
 15.02: promising a wonderful end of the week to my devils (while quickly checking how I'll make that possible)

happy (stressed) sigh :)

and I wish I was ....

Cupcakes & snakes

I've finished Sophie Syphilis a few days ago. This is such a personal painting! Feeling like painting with blood.. honest!
Just had to wait for the rain to stop to get the right light for the photos :) ... and taking pics of paintings never fit the reality (sigh). I need a good photographer in my life! :P

click here for details

Blessed (very short) moment

My babes are back to me today.
We started the day with Frankenweenie, a restaurant, waflles later, games together, cooking with Loup, movie in the evening.

We all needed that very much.

I can breathe again :)

I wish I had holidays with them, but I can't yet... it's been so long. I wish they could sleep in the morning, but instead I gotta take them in their holiday camp (which happens to be in their own school).
*sigh*

One day I'll take a lil revenge on life, because well it's been a bitch lately!
Not complaining though,
I'm the happiest mama, surrounded with perfect friends.

Human Misery

It's been a week I won't forget at work.

I'm confronted (not directly but as a close witness) to violence and deep human pain. I do admire my colleagues who make so many efforts despite the frustration (of not being able to help most of the people who come to us).

When I leave work, I do not, I can't.. feel *light*.
Friends are really helpful here.

I hope one day I meet someone who'll bring me tenderness and comfort and dreams when I come back home.
But I'm so closed to deep relationship. So dry. I've built a wall, no doubt.
I really should start to break it..

One year later

Been a year now I'm a single mom, and oh god, how much better it feels now than months and months ago!

Had to take a sleeping pill though to be sure i'll sleep this time. It worked wonderfully.

And, well... Been 10 years now I am the happiest mama!

Celebrating the Lola's birthday with a smile on the face was very hard last year,

but very easy this year :)

I confess I am just a mom

People do not get it usually when i tell them i miss my babies when they're not around.

I miss them so much! It's just not natural for me, a mother, to not have my kids near me. Well, yeah ok,it's great to have free time... but usually I'm not in the mood to go out.

I don't even dare telling people how much I miss them because people think I focus too much on them.
* shrugging*

It's just painful, can't help it.

Little pride

When someone ask about my job... I naturally answer I am a a part-time painter and part-time assistant in humanitarian organisation.
The feed back is so positive that it makes me proud. A bit. If I can succeed in both jobs, I will be really proud.

Can't find the English word

for "insouciance".
I remember that time of my life when my personal life was so stable and secure, so comfortable that any problem wasn't a real problem.

I think I lost a lot of myself and childhood a year ago, when my ex left.

Today, everything is complicate; I can't say, I can't guess what tomorrow will be made of.

In the last days, I fought so much for my babies and myself, found myself talking to a wall, which is so weird. Scary.

I hope one day I can wake up without feeling the weight of y own life. I want to feel light again, to laugh with my babes without worrying that much.

That will happen.

the Killing

I've survived the Killing.

I thought no gossip could ever touch me. But for some days, it did. Maybe because I wasn't the only one concerned. I lost control over some situation and I really do hate that.

People wanting to hurt someone, I don't get it.
People might want to hurt when they are deeply jealous. But jealous of what? My life? really? I don't get it.

I don't even know who really wanted to hurt me but it's been a success.
I'm done with it but won't forget it.

In that collage, I've been about every character behind the iron bars. Today I am the pink haired one, on the top left :)

How are you doing?

I am doing ok. That's all I can say.

Moving sands has become my homeland. I deserve a crown, well... I think.
Royalty suits my dreams.

Sometimes these moving sands background lights my fire to go beyond my own limits, sometimes it scares me, and I feel petrified.

But I have a lighthouse in my life.

A lighthouse in the shape of 2 wonderfull kids holding their kitties in their arms.

That makes such a difference. That makes everything.

Value on blood and sweat

Suddenly I realized I hadn't put any price for my paintings (for my 2 months' exhibition).
Art and biz ... what a mess!

So people there can get me on their walls if they can afford at least 150 euros... lol. I'm just expensive!

Kitty moment

Done! Satan and Morphine are like mother and daughter!It's just so good to see that new feline pair getting on so well. They sleep together, play together, fight against each other.

Morphine is SO expressive, i'm not used to that.
She really comes to me for cuddles.
She mews to talk to me with her big eyes opened. She tries to lick my face whenever she feels sweet.

She's not just and angel though!
She steals food whenever she can, then hides it in the washing machine...

 Today she's stolen a sponge, can't find it anymore and she has put another one into pieces. Oh she's having fun!

Stress

The kids are back at school, and I am back at my divorce.
God it sucks.

My ex has asked to meet me to "discuss". The idea is honourable, to avoid talking through lawyers.

But why do I feel like a lamb close to a vulture?
Do I exaggerate?
I really hope so.

If only I could avoid meeting a man who's been my husband for years and only want to take me out of his life now.

I just don't want to spend a minute with this man I don't know anymore.

*sigh*

The day after the Blue Moon's lullaby

Cocorosie-Lemonade par piasfrance

Not a Boy toy, but pretty close!

In a week I played with myself, rather my lil toys, pretty often.
From a beautiful never failing BB (blackberry), I switched to a sexy samsung nexus, to finally reach heaven with the Devil. Yeah, that tells a lot. ;-)

I swear I resisted a LOT before joining the Apple sect. The toy is... simply better, I could compare and can't deny it.. * shrugging*

Now I am waiting for my goodie, a custom made leather protection. I hesitated (not for long) between two designs (from the same God artist):

Oops, where is my mind?

My paintings should already be on the walls of that big art shop. But I had completely forgotten about it!

Showing my paintings for 2 months with publicity on some website, that is cool. But shit, I forgot.
Gotta fix that by Monday.

Which painting shall I show (tiny space)? .. Hm, Lola and I fixed that while roasting in the sun earlier today.
How will I carry and fix them? I count on my two devils to help me. That's kinda fun. We make a great team.

There should be this one, and a dozen of others.

Life is so busy for me, it's hard to focus! :)

Neighbours (aka The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)

I live in a village, part of a big city, where some people find it hard to say hello. Even people that you know since ages.
I can't explain why. Human nature full of pride and prejudice.

I am very out of the circle of people ignoring... life in its most simple shape.

But then, out of that circle, my lil village is actually  full of wonderful individuals

I've just spent such a good time at my neighbours'. Simple, full of care and tenderness.
My kind of Human nature.