Vampire bites

The family, uncles, aunts, etc, called today. What a festival..
They don't want me to keep going to the hospital alone. My grand-mother is too close to death now they say, blind, moaning in a most painful way despite the morphine.

And I wondered why I was so down lately. Many reasons could explain that. But I realise it's my time at the hospital. The smell of death there. My energy and sensitivity being devoured.

When I am there, I believe I am strong and it goes pretty well. But once back home, I feeling like throwing up, I cry and I do not make the direct link with the hospital. I remember a year ago being at the hospital while my mother n law was dying. I think of my lil problems. I get down, more than usual.

The real thing sucking energy in me is that hospital. My grand-ma suffering like in hell, unable to die.
I believe my family's right. None of them, including my sister, can stand spending hours there alone.

still pushing the heavy wheel

On Thursday, I get another job interveiw, I shouldn't even talk of it on here (superstition!) , but well...
Assistant in a private clinic in the 16th arrondissement.
Dunno how I'll get the time to prepare the interview with the devils around, but I'll make it : )

Body pump, attack, combat & now Zumba!

One thing that really helps me to be strong enough and not too down is sport. When everything collapses around and I can still push my body to limits with sport, then I believe I can succeed with everything.
It's absolutely astonishing how it does matter today.

On Sunday, I joined a special session of Zumba (hip-hop & Latin dance-inspired fitness program) for 2 hours.
Well I hated zumba before but... I just dived into it, feeling I needed that besides musculation & fitness. It was so exhausting and so cool.

Below are two choreographies that we do in Zumba. I tell you, when *you* do it, it's super fun, when you watch it, it's fun too ;-)

Guardian angels

My lil grand-mother ("lil", no she's way taller than I! but she's so weak...)

On Friday morning, my sister and I (the geographically closest to the hospital), were called. "your grand mother is dying now".

We hurry, join there, scared of what we will find. Our grand mother still alive or..?
The rest of the family waits for our calls. Others will arrive to the hospital later.

She was still alive, so weak.

Today, she is weaker.
But she can open her eyes, she is "here". But you feel she is living her last days.

It is almost worse that she is conscious. Despite the morphine, she is suffering so much, you can see it.

It is hard, really hard.

Harder for those who can't be with her as much as I can. Like for my sister who can't miss work anymore.
At least there's almost always someone with her on day time.

She's surrounded with so much love : ))

When the wheel turns

I will certainly enjoy some electroswing (lol, don't ya love that concept?!!) stuff

From planet Candles

in orbit, I am. Quicksands, always. Tornados often.

3 days, Easter, with hardly any job offer. And school holidays just around the corner, that will be even slower.
No improvement from my grand-ma.. I'm the closest to the hospital so I think I'll be there everyday, till I get a f**&%ing job.

 I need to go out, see people, do more sport (isn't 8 hours/week enough? no nooooo) :P

When the planets act really badly...

.. against me ;-)

I should have started a job this week. Got a message when I entered the hospital room. It was cancelled, the offer.

It does not matter so much just now. It's just. sigh.

I have three professional dreams you know. Being a painter (i'm on it :P), being a tattooist ( I * only * have to buy the full equipment now to start learning the tattoo art), and being a professional bar-tender, making the best cocktails on earth. I would love that, I am totally into it, motivated to learn everything about it. : )

I could do the three ones in the same place. It could be in Florida, no? Or the Caribbean islands!

Dreams : )

Love in the shape of a cigarette

Today, earlier.
I enter the hospital room. My aunty is there, just arrived from Germany. She can't talk, devastated by the sight of her mom.
My sister and I have been so lucky, yesterday our grand-mother was conscious. She moaned, but opened her eyes sometimes, pressed my hands so tight when I was crying.

I need you, I need you to press my hand whenever I cry, Bonne-maman. I need you.
How selfish.

I am smoking my cigarette as typing.

I remember when I was a teen. It was Christmas. I decided to smoke a cigarette, just like, erm, everybody around.
People, relatives, got shocked.

My grand-mother, so delicate, so much old-fashioned in her way, so much into traditions, etc... My grand-mother asked for a cigarette too.
Big shocked eyes from everyone.

She smoked that cigarette, that was so funny,  telling everyone a cigarette from time to time was really an enjoyable little thing.
She was supporting me. Not to smoke, but against the rest of the rigid family. : ))

I love her.

Today, in her hospital bed, connected to so many things, she does not react anymore. I wish I could connect myself to this weird stuff. Supporting her against death.

But.
You just don't go against death.

***

PS: 
Jenny, I got your message, I have no idea why it does not get published, but thank you so much! : )))

Behind the screen...

..You read my words. You don't leave a comment or you do, but I know you're reading.
Writing down on here is actually so comforting.

I know exactly who I am talking to.

you...
YOU !

I don't know who I can talk to

but my bloggie ... how does that sound : )

my grandma is being reanimated.. I'm joining my sister to the hospital. Thank god, I don't have my babes with me tonight.

I hope.. many things, really.

Life ....

edit: I come into the hospital bedroom.
Her whole shape is different. Brain attacks break the body, it's terrifying. She does not look like herself at all. I wish there were dozens of photos around to show the doctors to show everyone how beautiful my grand mother is. She is so beautiful. I will show you a photo.


But today her skin is red. She breathes heavily. Her body has swollen, it is so weird.
Her face is distorted. I don't want to cry, well I want to, but I struggle.
My sister stands next to me, as moved as I am. It was she who found her lying on the floor, helpless.
We were just kids not so long ago. That gives me some unbearable vertigo.

** My sister and I are running, again pursued by tall roosters. Taller than us. We run fast, kinda really scared, to finally jump into the arms of our grandma. She scares the nasty roosters, laughs but warns us to be very careful with them. It's summertime. I'll hate roosters, chicken, pigeons, birds, for the rest of my life : )**


I thought I was to be responsible for my kids. Not for my rock.
Our grand-mother is our rock.


I kiss her hand, she holds mine, pressing hard. Only love words come out. She answers, but her voice is distorted too. She can't talk, she moans in a heart-breaking way. Sometimes she suddenly opens her eyes wide in some crazy desperate efforts. Then she closes them for most of the time.
More sounds come out from her when I start to cry kissing her hand.
We all know it happens this way at the end.
Who can stand that.


the oedema in her brain is getting bigger and bigger. She gets a bad lung infection.

I don't want to receive any call. She can make it you know, she's not like anybody. She's my grand mother.