(thank you Jenny for your email :-))
Time to multitask even more, for the best.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Slowly getting back to it
With the lil help of my Xmas elves, I'm getting back to it :)
(thank you Jenny for your email :-))
It's been been and still is some kind of weird time, fighting for bloody money, works, trying to make my babes happy, forgetting myself a bit too much in the whole process...
Time to multitask even more, for the best.
(thank you Jenny for your email :-))
Time to multitask even more, for the best.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
I wanna be a Teddy
Lola went to bed tonight with a sudden stress.
She started talking to me... told me she did not want to be separated from me next week, that she is so tired of that. That she misses me already. She did not want to sleep because it was less time with me (told her I'll join her in her dreams but..)
:(
She said she wanted me to be her teddy Bear so she could be with me night and day.
Gawd, that's very painful, I feel so helpless. I feel the same way Lola does, really.
She started talking to me... told me she did not want to be separated from me next week, that she is so tired of that. That she misses me already. She did not want to sleep because it was less time with me (told her I'll join her in her dreams but..)
:(
She said she wanted me to be her teddy Bear so she could be with me night and day.
Gawd, that's very painful, I feel so helpless. I feel the same way Lola does, really.
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Oooops !
I went to the doc yesterday. For a check-up for the devils and myself.
Lola is getting so tall, 10cm in a year! //oO\\ ... Another 10cm and she'll be my size!
Loup is growing up very well too :)
No vaccine to be done for them.
But me... a very different story.
When the doc saw my health record, she couldn't believe I've had no vaccines in 20 years...
When she learnt I work with people that may carry more diseases than usual, she asked me to get the 5 vaccines that were missing very quickly.
The needles' session starting on next Monday.
My devils really had the time of their life learning about the treatment their mama will get :)
They even joked asking the doc for needles too. Pffffff :)
Lola is getting so tall, 10cm in a year! //oO\\ ... Another 10cm and she'll be my size!
Loup is growing up very well too :)
No vaccine to be done for them.
When the doc saw my health record, she couldn't believe I've had no vaccines in 20 years...
When she learnt I work with people that may carry more diseases than usual, she asked me to get the 5 vaccines that were missing very quickly.
The needles' session starting on next Monday.
My devils really had the time of their life learning about the treatment their mama will get :)
They even joked asking the doc for needles too. Pffffff :)
A (few!) minute(s) in a single mom's life
7.00 : waking up, making everything ready for the devils
8.30: running out, late with the devils, holiday camp
9.05: "hello fellow workers!"
10.30: "Good morning again, your son does not feel well, you gotta come back"
10.45: running out, wondering how I'll manage between a sick kid, work, oh and a fine kid
11.15: back home with the devils, with a list of recommendations for a couple of hours. Neighbours are warned.
12.30: woooshing back to work, shit my home phone does not work. HYPER stress
13.00: telling my boss I gotta go (wondering how I'll manage tomorrow with the pile of work on my desk).
15.00: cuddling my babes, horrible bills waiting on my desk. Trying to look zen, despite all the rest.
15.02: promising a wonderful end of the week to my devils (while quickly checking how I'll make that possible)
happy (stressed) sigh :)
and I wish I was ....
8.30: running out, late with the devils, holiday camp
9.05: "hello fellow workers!"
10.30: "Good morning again, your son does not feel well, you gotta come back"
10.45: running out, wondering how I'll manage between a sick kid, work, oh and a fine kid
11.15: back home with the devils, with a list of recommendations for a couple of hours. Neighbours are warned.
12.30: woooshing back to work, shit my home phone does not work. HYPER stress
13.00: telling my boss I gotta go (wondering how I'll manage tomorrow with the pile of work on my desk).
15.00: cuddling my babes, horrible bills waiting on my desk. Trying to look zen, despite all the rest.
15.02: promising a wonderful end of the week to my devils (while quickly checking how I'll make that possible)
happy (stressed) sigh :)
and I wish I was ....
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Cupcakes & snakes
I've finished Sophie Syphilis a few days ago. This is such a personal painting! Feeling like painting with blood.. honest!
Just had to wait for the rain to stop to get the right light for the photos :) ... and taking pics of paintings never fit the reality (sigh). I need a good photographer in my life! :P
Just had to wait for the rain to stop to get the right light for the photos :) ... and taking pics of paintings never fit the reality (sigh). I need a good photographer in my life! :P
click here for details
Monday, November 5, 2012
Blessed (very short) moment
My babes are back to me today.
We started the day with Frankenweenie, a restaurant, waflles later, games together, cooking with Loup, movie in the evening.
We all needed that very much.
I can breathe again :)
I wish I had holidays with them, but I can't yet... it's been so long. I wish they could sleep in the morning, but instead I gotta take them in their holiday camp (which happens to be in their own school).
*sigh*
One day I'll take a lil revenge on life, because well it's been a bitch lately!
Not complaining though,
I'm the happiest mama, surrounded with perfect friends.
We started the day with Frankenweenie, a restaurant, waflles later, games together, cooking with Loup, movie in the evening.
We all needed that very much.
I can breathe again :)
I wish I had holidays with them, but I can't yet... it's been so long. I wish they could sleep in the morning, but instead I gotta take them in their holiday camp (which happens to be in their own school).
*sigh*
One day I'll take a lil revenge on life, because well it's been a bitch lately!
Not complaining though,
I'm the happiest mama, surrounded with perfect friends.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Human Misery
It's been a week I won't forget at work.
I'm confronted (not directly but as a close witness) to violence and deep human pain. I do admire my colleagues who make so many efforts despite the frustration (of not being able to help most of the people who come to us).
When I leave work, I do not, I can't.. feel *light*.
Friends are really helpful here.
I hope one day I meet someone who'll bring me tenderness and comfort and dreams when I come back home.
But I'm so closed to deep relationship. So dry. I've built a wall, no doubt.
I really should start to break it..
I'm confronted (not directly but as a close witness) to violence and deep human pain. I do admire my colleagues who make so many efforts despite the frustration (of not being able to help most of the people who come to us).
When I leave work, I do not, I can't.. feel *light*.
Friends are really helpful here.
I hope one day I meet someone who'll bring me tenderness and comfort and dreams when I come back home.
But I'm so closed to deep relationship. So dry. I've built a wall, no doubt.
I really should start to break it..
One year later
Been a year now I'm a single mom, and oh god, how much better it feels now than months and months ago!
Had to take a sleeping pill though to be sure i'll sleep this time. It worked wonderfully.
And, well... Been 10 years now I am the happiest mama!
Celebrating the Lola's birthday with a smile on the face was very hard last year,
but very easy this year :)
Had to take a sleeping pill though to be sure i'll sleep this time. It worked wonderfully.And, well... Been 10 years now I am the happiest mama!
Celebrating the Lola's birthday with a smile on the face was very hard last year,
but very easy this year :)
Friday, October 5, 2012
I confess I am just a mom
People do not get it usually when i tell them i miss my babies when they're not around.
I miss them so much! It's just not natural for me, a mother, to not have my kids near me. Well, yeah ok,it's great to have free time... but usually I'm not in the mood to go out.
I don't even dare telling people how much I miss them because people think I focus too much on them.
* shrugging*
It's just painful, can't help it.
I miss them so much! It's just not natural for me, a mother, to not have my kids near me. Well, yeah ok,it's great to have free time... but usually I'm not in the mood to go out.I don't even dare telling people how much I miss them because people think I focus too much on them.
* shrugging*
It's just painful, can't help it.
Little pride
When someone ask about my job... I naturally answer I am a a part-time painter and part-time assistant in humanitarian organisation.
The feed back is so positive that it makes me proud. A bit. If I can succeed in both jobs, I will be really proud.
The feed back is so positive that it makes me proud. A bit. If I can succeed in both jobs, I will be really proud.
Can't find the English word
for "insouciance".
I remember that time of my life when my personal life was so stable and secure, so comfortable that any problem wasn't a real problem.
I think I lost a lot of myself and childhood a year ago, when my ex left.
Today, everything is complicate; I can't say, I can't guess what tomorrow will be made of.
In the last days, I fought so much for my babies and myself, found myself talking to a wall, which is so weird. Scary.
I hope one day I can wake up without feeling the weight of y own life. I want to feel light again, to laugh with my babes without worrying that much.
That will happen.
I remember that time of my life when my personal life was so stable and secure, so comfortable that any problem wasn't a real problem.
I think I lost a lot of myself and childhood a year ago, when my ex left.
Today, everything is complicate; I can't say, I can't guess what tomorrow will be made of.
In the last days, I fought so much for my babies and myself, found myself talking to a wall, which is so weird. Scary.
I hope one day I can wake up without feeling the weight of y own life. I want to feel light again, to laugh with my babes without worrying that much.
That will happen.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
the Killing
I've survived the Killing.
I thought no gossip could ever touch me. But for some days, it did. Maybe because I wasn't the only one concerned. I lost control over some situation and I really do hate that.
People wanting to hurt someone, I don't get it.
People might want to hurt when they are deeply jealous. But jealous of what? My life? really? I don't get it.
I don't even know who really wanted to hurt me but it's been a success.
I'm done with it but won't forget it.
In that collage, I've been about every character behind the iron bars. Today I am the pink haired one, on the top left :)
I thought no gossip could ever touch me. But for some days, it did. Maybe because I wasn't the only one concerned. I lost control over some situation and I really do hate that.
People might want to hurt when they are deeply jealous. But jealous of what? My life? really? I don't get it.
I don't even know who really wanted to hurt me but it's been a success.
I'm done with it but won't forget it.
In that collage, I've been about every character behind the iron bars. Today I am the pink haired one, on the top left :)
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
How are you doing?
I am doing ok. That's all I can say.
Moving sands has become my homeland. I deserve a crown, well... I think.
Royalty suits my dreams.
Sometimes these moving sands background lights my fire to go beyond my own limits, sometimes it scares me, and I feel petrified.
But I have a lighthouse in my life.
A lighthouse in the shape of 2 wonderfull kids holding their kitties in their arms.
That makes such a difference. That makes everything.
Moving sands has become my homeland. I deserve a crown, well... I think.
Royalty suits my dreams.
Sometimes these moving sands background lights my fire to go beyond my own limits, sometimes it scares me, and I feel petrified.
But I have a lighthouse in my life.A lighthouse in the shape of 2 wonderfull kids holding their kitties in their arms.
That makes such a difference. That makes everything.
Value on blood and sweat
Suddenly I realized I hadn't put any price for my paintings (for my 2 months' exhibition).
Art and biz ... what a mess!
So people there can get me on their walls if they can afford at least 150 euros... lol. I'm just expensive!
Art and biz ... what a mess!
So people there can get me on their walls if they can afford at least 150 euros... lol. I'm just expensive!
Kitty moment
Done! Satan and Morphine are like mother and daughter!It's just so good to see that new feline pair getting on so well. They sleep together, play together, fight against each other.
Morphine is SO expressive, i'm not used to that.
She really comes to me for cuddles.
She mews to talk to me with her big eyes opened. She tries to lick my face whenever she feels sweet.
She's not just and angel though!
She steals food whenever she can, then hides it in the washing machine...
Today she's stolen a sponge, can't find it anymore and she has put another one into pieces. Oh she's having fun!
She really comes to me for cuddles.
She mews to talk to me with her big eyes opened. She tries to lick my face whenever she feels sweet.
She's not just and angel though!
She steals food whenever she can, then hides it in the washing machine...
Today she's stolen a sponge, can't find it anymore and she has put another one into pieces. Oh she's having fun!
Stress
The kids are back at school, and I am back at my divorce.
God it sucks.
My ex has asked to meet me to "discuss". The idea is honourable, to avoid talking through lawyers.
But why do I feel like a lamb close to a vulture?
Do I exaggerate?
I really hope so.
If only I could avoid meeting a man who's been my husband for years and only want to take me out of his life now.
I just don't want to spend a minute with this man I don't know anymore.
*sigh*
God it sucks.
My ex has asked to meet me to "discuss". The idea is honourable, to avoid talking through lawyers.
But why do I feel like a lamb close to a vulture?
Do I exaggerate?
I really hope so.
If only I could avoid meeting a man who's been my husband for years and only want to take me out of his life now.
I just don't want to spend a minute with this man I don't know anymore.
*sigh*
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Not a Boy toy, but pretty close!
In a week I played with myself, rather my lil toys, pretty often.
From a beautiful never failing BB (blackberry), I switched to a sexy samsung nexus, to finally reach heaven with the Devil. Yeah, that tells a lot. ;-)
I swear I resisted a LOT before joining the Apple sect. The toy is... simply better, I could compare and can't deny it.. * shrugging*
Now I am waiting for my goodie, a custom made leather protection. I hesitated (not for long) between two designs (from the sameGod artist):
From a beautiful never failing BB (blackberry), I switched to a sexy samsung nexus, to finally reach heaven with the Devil. Yeah, that tells a lot. ;-)
I swear I resisted a LOT before joining the Apple sect. The toy is... simply better, I could compare and can't deny it.. * shrugging*
Now I am waiting for my goodie, a custom made leather protection. I hesitated (not for long) between two designs (from the same
Oops, where is my mind?
My paintings should already be on the walls of that big art shop. But I had completely forgotten about it!
Showing my paintings for 2 months with publicity on some website, that is cool. But shit, I forgot.
Gotta fix that by Monday.
Which painting shall I show (tiny space)? .. Hm, Lola and I fixed that while roasting in the sun earlier today.
How will I carry and fix them? I count on my two devils to help me. That's kinda fun. We make a great team.
There should be this one, and a dozen of others.
Life is so busy for me, it's hard to focus! :)
Showing my paintings for 2 months with publicity on some website, that is cool. But shit, I forgot.
Gotta fix that by Monday.
Which painting shall I show (tiny space)? .. Hm, Lola and I fixed that while roasting in the sun earlier today.
How will I carry and fix them? I count on my two devils to help me. That's kinda fun. We make a great team.
There should be this one, and a dozen of others.Life is so busy for me, it's hard to focus! :)
Neighbours (aka The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly)
I live in a village, part of a big city, where some people find it hard to say hello. Even people that you know since ages.
I can't explain why. Human nature full of pride and prejudice.
I am very out of the circle of people ignoring... life in its most simple shape.
But then, out of that circle, my lil village is actually full of wonderful individuals
I've just spent such a good time at my neighbours'. Simple, full of care and tenderness.
My kind of Human nature.
I can't explain why. Human nature full of pride and prejudice.
I am very out of the circle of people ignoring... life in its most simple shape.
But then, out of that circle, my lil village is actually full of wonderful individuals
I've just spent such a good time at my neighbours'. Simple, full of care and tenderness.
My kind of Human nature.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
FB is not useless (just an entertaining time sucker)
But I can't convince my friend about that.
Damn, what can I do?
I would love love love that he joins.
I tried to use blackmail, it did not work.
I could use my pussy, and there I go:
but it won't work.
SIGH
Last desperate act... big bouncing boobs!
(not mines, too small hey !..
)
It should work, it must work!!!
Damn, what can I do?
I would love love love that he joins.
I tried to use blackmail, it did not work.
I could use my pussy, and there I go:
SIGH
Last desperate act... big bouncing boobs!
(not mines, too small hey !..
)It should work, it must work!!!
Liberation de Paris.. by proud devils
and amused mama ;)
Oh Loup looked so "into it" behind the wheel
And Lola so pretty!
And well I got caught in a trap, lovely men in uniform, can't resist (the moustache effect....Mmm) !
Oh Loup looked so "into it" behind the wheel
And Lola so pretty!
And well I got caught in a trap, lovely men in uniform, can't resist (the moustache effect....Mmm) !
Temps modernes ?
..Just stressing Paris? Or a mom on her own ?
it's 7.30pm
Rushing back from work, taking lil time for the babes that have been on their own for some time after holiday camp.
Rushing out to the veterinary, with Morphine and the devils, before I'd pay twice the price because it's already night schedule.
Rushing back home, giving Morphine her lil medication.
Then rushing out again because a mom had promised her babes they would get new stuff for school. And they wouldn't wait.
Back home. It's 10.00pm. Gotta feed the devils.
But super happy devils just back from shopping by night.
..And then the sofa was mine, not even energy to check for the snail mail (invoices for sure) I got.
Well.. Super happy devils is motivating enough :)
it's 7.30pm
Rushing back from work, taking lil time for the babes that have been on their own for some time after holiday camp.
Rushing out to the veterinary, with Morphine and the devils, before I'd pay twice the price because it's already night schedule.
Rushing back home, giving Morphine her lil medication.
Back home. It's 10.00pm. Gotta feed the devils.
But super happy devils just back from shopping by night.
..And then the sofa was mine, not even energy to check for the snail mail (invoices for sure) I got.
Well.. Super happy devils is motivating enough :)
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
New colours
on my skin
I'm so happy.
They were already part of me before they were done.
My skin's just talking and it gets visible, that's all.
It feels good, being in tune with oneself
and more colours in my gallery
Now I want more colours in my veins, not just pale red : )
They were already part of me before they were done.
My skin's just talking and it gets visible, that's all.
It feels good, being in tune with oneself
and more colours in my gallery
Now I want more colours in my veins, not just pale red : )
My shooting Star
was a Friend tonight. He'll recognize himself. Lifted my spirits by his presence only.
I'm a spoiled girl. Too lucky to complain about anything.
I'm a spoiled girl. Too lucky to complain about anything.
Behind the mirror
I want real fire, fireworks, to be back in my life, you know. How long does it take..
Pretty Morphine
Alors voilà.
I expected a lil tigress from Brittany in 10 days. But the one I already considered like my baby died on Saturday. Her mom had gone way, abandoning her lil ones.. and she did not survive :(
I cried when I heard about it. I am quite emotional, with no shame, at the moment.
I thought about the devils. Told them there would be a mini kitty soon after they're back from Germany.
I checked with my vet where I could find a kitten needing a home.
I jumped in a cab in the next minutes, there was a kind of gathering for abandoned kitten in the next hour at the other side of Paris.
I found Morphine. Or Morphine found me! ;-)
2,5 months-old, born on the same day as I (!).
I paid 180 euros (ouch).. which was given to the association taking care of the abandoned cats.
That was quite justified, she had received the first vaccinations and was already operated (I found that quite young, but ok).
It's been a hard time for Satan, having to share her territory with a crazy lil one. But she's getting used to her and will finally (no doubt) love Morphine.
Morphine mews all the time in a very strange way (like a blackbird having a cough). She is stuck to me all the time, almost a nightmare when I gotta work on my paintings or eat something! ... but such a pleasure when it's time for cuddles...
She already stole some chicken and went into the washing machine to eat it! Gawd I had forgotten a kitten is like a young kid! Ready for anything! :)
The devils do not know she's here already, and I just can't wait for their face when they discover the lil creature! :)
I expected a lil tigress from Brittany in 10 days. But the one I already considered like my baby died on Saturday. Her mom had gone way, abandoning her lil ones.. and she did not survive :(
I cried when I heard about it. I am quite emotional, with no shame, at the moment.
I thought about the devils. Told them there would be a mini kitty soon after they're back from Germany.
I checked with my vet where I could find a kitten needing a home.
I jumped in a cab in the next minutes, there was a kind of gathering for abandoned kitten in the next hour at the other side of Paris.
I found Morphine. Or Morphine found me! ;-)2,5 months-old, born on the same day as I (!).
I paid 180 euros (ouch).. which was given to the association taking care of the abandoned cats.
That was quite justified, she had received the first vaccinations and was already operated (I found that quite young, but ok).
She already stole some chicken and went into the washing machine to eat it! Gawd I had forgotten a kitten is like a young kid! Ready for anything! :)
The devils do not know she's here already, and I just can't wait for their face when they discover the lil creature! :)
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Under construction
I'm working on 2 new tat designs. They'll be located on my ermm biceps, yes.
My skin needs to breathe and talk again.
On one arm, I think about a lovely peacock, symbol of nature and sex.
On the other, a snake around an apple. Well the snake hasn't a very positive image as a tat, but it is part of my "freedom" symbols,
so there you go :)
.... oh, can't wait!
My skin needs to breathe and talk again.
On one arm, I think about a lovely peacock, symbol of nature and sex.On the other, a snake around an apple. Well the snake hasn't a very positive image as a tat, but it is part of my "freedom" symbols,
so there you go :)
.... oh, can't wait!
Flashy, trashy, yummy
Well, I used to wear only red or black for underwears. That was in my former life.
I found those in teenage stores. Hehe... well these colours are very me. The trash side of them, the weird contrast with my orange kind of hair... is totally exquisite to me :)
I found those in teenage stores. Hehe... well these colours are very me. The trash side of them, the weird contrast with my orange kind of hair... is totally exquisite to me :)
8cm of lil pleasure
New boots, been resisting for so long!
But a drama happened in Brittany: I broke my beloved pair, really broke them after 2 years of intense partnership!
So here are the new "working" boots, the ones I'll wear night and day when Autumn comes :)
But a drama happened in Brittany: I broke my beloved pair, really broke them after 2 years of intense partnership!
So here are the new "working" boots, the ones I'll wear night and day when Autumn comes :)
Days are too short for a blog writer :)
July has gone like... pfffffffffffffffffft!
Work is being so intense... a part time job that would require full time I think.
No holidays this year, what a contrast with last year(s) in the hobbit house.
I've joined my babes several times in Bretonie but would not go there, in the hobbit house. Too many memories.
My devils are back in Paris (they came back 10 days ago). I run to work, come back quickly to take care of them. We spend much time at the swimmingpool, gotta help them learning how to swim better and better.
Yet, they gotta go to some "city" holiday camp. I have no other choice (sigh). But they enjoy it (happy sigh).
When they were in Brittany, I've been out all the time. Friends taking care of me, so precious and incredible. Gotta say I am almost a diva at the moment, refusing invitations again and again. Just no time! :)
Having 2 jobs, taking care of my babes, not forgetting sport and friends. My days are full. Too full to blog that regularly!
Tonight I've just finished a painting. Getting back to it, adjusting to my new crazy rhythm.
Oh in 3 weeks, we should welcome another kitty baby at home!!! She already gets a name, but shhhhhh... secret!
My babes are being wonderful, we make such a perfect trio. They're supportive, helpful and I try to give them back much love and attention.
Work is being so intense... a part time job that would require full time I think.
No holidays this year, what a contrast with last year(s) in the hobbit house.
I've joined my babes several times in Bretonie but would not go there, in the hobbit house. Too many memories.
My devils are back in Paris (they came back 10 days ago). I run to work, come back quickly to take care of them. We spend much time at the swimmingpool, gotta help them learning how to swim better and better.
Yet, they gotta go to some "city" holiday camp. I have no other choice (sigh). But they enjoy it (happy sigh).
Having 2 jobs, taking care of my babes, not forgetting sport and friends. My days are full. Too full to blog that regularly!
Tonight I've just finished a painting. Getting back to it, adjusting to my new crazy rhythm.
Oh in 3 weeks, we should welcome another kitty baby at home!!! She already gets a name, but shhhhhh... secret!
My babes are being wonderful, we make such a perfect trio. They're supportive, helpful and I try to give them back much love and attention.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Just a quickie
I wanna update my bloggie, so badly!
But I've been hardly behind my screen lately. Last weekend I was in Bretonie, to spend 3 days with my devils. I go back there tomorrow. My only precious holidays, 2 weekends far from my beloved Paris.
There, I spend my time in my mom's house. I can't go back in the hobbit house, it's too painful, it's too much for me. I feel like in the twilight zone there. Last year I spent 2 months in that lil house I did love. Today I try to escape the memories it brings me. So strange.
Work is going fine. It's hard, really speed, but very interesting. When I leave, I jump in a bus, in a tram, in the tube to join my sport place. I'm never back home before 10.00pm lately.
I love life this way.
I'll bring back photos after my weekend in the wild wild west ;)
But I've been hardly behind my screen lately. Last weekend I was in Bretonie, to spend 3 days with my devils. I go back there tomorrow. My only precious holidays, 2 weekends far from my beloved Paris.
There, I spend my time in my mom's house. I can't go back in the hobbit house, it's too painful, it's too much for me. I feel like in the twilight zone there. Last year I spent 2 months in that lil house I did love. Today I try to escape the memories it brings me. So strange.
Work is going fine. It's hard, really speed, but very interesting. When I leave, I jump in a bus, in a tram, in the tube to join my sport place. I'm never back home before 10.00pm lately.
I love life this way.
I'll bring back photos after my weekend in the wild wild west ;)
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Battles
swallowing a hot coffee, feeling like I could share this coffee with someone.
Getting ready for work, kids, sport, kids, painting
Getting ready for work, kids, sport, kids, painting
Adjusting
A new job is pretty hard. Working in a social environment is just like landing on another planet.
Today I arrived at work, found a homeless one in front of the still closed door, surrounded by his bros and sis. He was on the floor, bleeding. Huge injury in his head, he had just fallen really badly after an epileptic crisis.
I helped the way I could, put handkerchiefs on his bleeding head (as firemen told me on the phone) and waited for the emergency help.
Then I started my day, a bit shocked I reckon.
Today I arrived at work, found a homeless one in front of the still closed door, surrounded by his bros and sis. He was on the floor, bleeding. Huge injury in his head, he had just fallen really badly after an epileptic crisis.
I helped the way I could, put handkerchiefs on his bleeding head (as firemen told me on the phone) and waited for the emergency help.
Then I started my day, a bit shocked I reckon.
4 months
Been smoking for 4 months and it's been fucking good. Incredibly good.
I still have 2 paquets of 20 cigarettes at home.
I smoke, between 10 and 15 cigs a day. Old habits came back fast.
When these 2 paquets are over, I'll be done. I quite smoking despite the real pleasure it brings me. It's too damn expensive. Maybe sexy on the pic, but I don't want to be that slave.
Sigh.
Happy sigh : )
I still have 2 paquets of 20 cigarettes at home.
I smoke, between 10 and 15 cigs a day. Old habits came back fast.
When these 2 paquets are over, I'll be done. I quite smoking despite the real pleasure it brings me. It's too damn expensive. Maybe sexy on the pic, but I don't want to be that slave.
Sigh.
Happy sigh : )
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
And I thought I was busy?? ha!
Oh God, my new job is very interesting but very demanding on many levels. Without talking of the time spent in metro and tramway.
I finished tonight at 6.30pm, came back home, exhausted, grabbed my sport-bag (the devils are with their dads on Tuesday's evening), when to sweat for 1 hour, finally left by 9.30pm, went for food shopping and I'm just back.
Tomorrow morning, I gotta contact the school very early for summer camp for the kids, then rush to work, then rush back around here to take the kids who will be at a neighbour's till I come back from work.
Meanwhile, there are a hundred of things I gotta do, my head is about to explode : )
And meanwhile really... I gotta get a life!
Tell me it won't be that speed and that hard all the time....
I finished tonight at 6.30pm, came back home, exhausted, grabbed my sport-bag (the devils are with their dads on Tuesday's evening), when to sweat for 1 hour, finally left by 9.30pm, went for food shopping and I'm just back.
Tomorrow morning, I gotta contact the school very early for summer camp for the kids, then rush to work, then rush back around here to take the kids who will be at a neighbour's till I come back from work.
Meanwhile, there are a hundred of things I gotta do, my head is about to explode : )
And meanwhile really... I gotta get a life!
Tell me it won't be that speed and that hard all the time....
Thursday, June 14, 2012
My art in the name of feet
A painting sold, 3 pairs of shoes expected at home.
Mines for work mostly,
my devils' for toes in the air
It's good to sell one's art sometimes :)
Mines for work mostly,
my devils' for toes in the air
It's good to sell one's art sometimes :)
Planting my flag on a new planet
First day at work.
Wonderful people surrounding me. My boss gives me 10 days to get used to the place, to the people, to explore every corner of it.
It feels strange to be in a same place for many hours. It feels strange to try to fit to a company's habits. Remembering names is already something : )
Strange to dress for some "official work". Strange to be part of the massive running workers in the tramway and metro. 40 to 45 min to get to my working place.
I hope though I'll be the perfect assistant I'm expected to be.
Taking care of my babes at the same time, even if only part-time job is something. I never finish just in time when they finishes school and that already requires so much organisation. Thank god, people and friends around are very helpful, always someone to keep an eye over my devils.
I'm tired tonight and nothing compared with the tiredness you get after 2 hours at sport.
Gotta finish taking care of some papers and then I'll work a bit on one of my paintings.
And well, I'm still playing lottery..
Wonderful people surrounding me. My boss gives me 10 days to get used to the place, to the people, to explore every corner of it.
It feels strange to be in a same place for many hours. It feels strange to try to fit to a company's habits. Remembering names is already something : )
Strange to dress for some "official work". Strange to be part of the massive running workers in the tramway and metro. 40 to 45 min to get to my working place.
I hope though I'll be the perfect assistant I'm expected to be.
Taking care of my babes at the same time, even if only part-time job is something. I never finish just in time when they finishes school and that already requires so much organisation. Thank god, people and friends around are very helpful, always someone to keep an eye over my devils.
I'm tired tonight and nothing compared with the tiredness you get after 2 hours at sport.
Gotta finish taking care of some papers and then I'll work a bit on one of my paintings.
And well, I'm still playing lottery..
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Doomed (Vultures are prowling)
Doomed (Vultures are prowling)
... is the last painting I've done and sold. So happy to sell my art sometimes! And this one is truly beautiful, big and imposing : )
I'm working on two others. I will soon contact an old cinema in the Montparnasse district that exhibit paintings and is pretty well known for that. 6 months to wait before showing one's art but it's something I wanna try : )
Friday, June 8, 2012
Taiming the lonely beast
It's been 8 months now I've been living alone with my devils and demons.
But alone as an adult, a woman.
One of my demons dies, no one around to help me. Still gotta learn about that.
My babes, adorable devils... gotta focus on them night and day at 100%. I'm getting good at that.
Sleeping alone in a huge bed, scary at the beginning. Got used to it.
Going out, a man following me, no one next to me to make me feel safe. Gotta count on myself only. I'm practising.
Successes. I want to raise my glass to a good piece of news. I want to make love and celebrate. But there I am talking to my beloved Satan, which is different, but good too.
Failures. I would need support late at night, a partner telling it's gonna be ok. But I look at myself in the mirror. It's just you and I. I'm adjusting. A cigarette still helps at the moment.
Future. Hard to imagine any. But if I make my babes happy when they wake up, then it's wonderful. Feeding them, making them feel safe and totally loved is what matters.
Men. I have a perfect age to be of men's interest, young, old, they're all into it. I look at myself in the mirror.. and now what?
Being alone. A burden. A gift? .. A Freedom where independence takes its full meaning.
Coming back home. And no one waiting for you. But that mirror, telling everything.
It's 2.00am, I'm just back home, gonna watch something. Can't sleep. It's just Satan and I this weekend.
And I'll make the best of it.
The journey is within myself. I had forgotten who I was. Maybe... maybe... it's the opportunity of my life..
System Of A Down - Lonely Day par hahaestcemoi
But alone as an adult, a woman.
One of my demons dies, no one around to help me. Still gotta learn about that.
My babes, adorable devils... gotta focus on them night and day at 100%. I'm getting good at that.
Sleeping alone in a huge bed, scary at the beginning. Got used to it.
Going out, a man following me, no one next to me to make me feel safe. Gotta count on myself only. I'm practising.
Successes. I want to raise my glass to a good piece of news. I want to make love and celebrate. But there I am talking to my beloved Satan, which is different, but good too.
Failures. I would need support late at night, a partner telling it's gonna be ok. But I look at myself in the mirror. It's just you and I. I'm adjusting. A cigarette still helps at the moment.
Future. Hard to imagine any. But if I make my babes happy when they wake up, then it's wonderful. Feeding them, making them feel safe and totally loved is what matters.
Men. I have a perfect age to be of men's interest, young, old, they're all into it. I look at myself in the mirror.. and now what?
Being alone. A burden. A gift? .. A Freedom where independence takes its full meaning.
Coming back home. And no one waiting for you. But that mirror, telling everything.
It's 2.00am, I'm just back home, gonna watch something. Can't sleep. It's just Satan and I this weekend.
And I'll make the best of it.
The journey is within myself. I had forgotten who I was. Maybe... maybe... it's the opportunity of my life..
System Of A Down - Lonely Day par hahaestcemoi
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Ready for work, girl?
Oh good! cause you've just got a job!
yeahhh! After, hm, 6 months, long... endless months.
Yesterday I got a call from the boss of a company I contacted a couple of weeks ago.
I was so much affected by Conan's brutal death that I couldn't share that good news, except with the kids.
A job, finally. Part-time job to be the boss' assistant.
The company... An association taking care of homeless people. What a different environment for me, so motivating.
My interview 2 weeks ago went ok it seems. I'm really really happy. I'll be working 2 afternoons and 2 mornings per week.
Can keep on with my painting biz and maybe find another part time job :)
No holiday for me this year. I don't care, except for my babes...
I want so much to take them abroad and explore the World with them. One day...
And maybe one day I can afford for those too..
PS: no way I can wear the WHITE ones... but make them red or black and oh yeahhh!
yeahhh! After, hm, 6 months, long... endless months.
Yesterday I got a call from the boss of a company I contacted a couple of weeks ago.
I was so much affected by Conan's brutal death that I couldn't share that good news, except with the kids.
The company... An association taking care of homeless people. What a different environment for me, so motivating.
My interview 2 weeks ago went ok it seems. I'm really really happy. I'll be working 2 afternoons and 2 mornings per week.
Can keep on with my painting biz and maybe find another part time job :)
No holiday for me this year. I don't care, except for my babes...
I want so much to take them abroad and explore the World with them. One day...
And maybe one day I can afford for those too..
PS: no way I can wear the WHITE ones... but make them red or black and oh yeahhh!
Mourning my baby boy
As most have seen on FB, I lost Conan in a tragic accident that I could have prevented.
I am so mad at myself, I know it's an accident but...
Conan belonged to the Innocents of this world, something like that. This shouldn't have happened.
He felt on Friday evening from the 5th floor.
Crashed, mewed.
Lola screamed, I was working. I rushed down the stairs. Found him there scared, hiding behind the fence.
I took him back upstairs. Said to the kids he seemed in shock.
Lola had him in her arms for a couple of minutes. Then he started to breathe in a unusual way, his eyes looking weird.
I asked Lola to give him back to me, put him on my knees. He wasn't comfortable. He wanted to move. I put him down, he made a few steps. He started to spit blood and pieces of whatever from his insides. I told the kids to go to the neighbours, fast fast. I went with them to explain, it took a few seconds.
I came back and my baby was lying in his own blood, tongue out, eyes empty. There were really blood everywhere around him.
I called my sister, she would help me. But she was unreachable. I called my mom, I collapsed on the phone, I did not know what to do, I was screaming, panicking. Desperate. Sounds childish, I don't know. But I felt like someone was stabbing my heart, couldn't breathe.
A neighbour joined, I think he was more shocked than I already was.
I took a trash bag, put my baby into it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My neighbour took him down to the cellar.
I went to look for the kids. I explained them, they already knew anyway. we all cried quietly for long minutes, holding each other.
Once they were in (my) bed, Loup fell asleep while crying, and I said to Lola I had to go to the veterinary for a few minutes (he is just at the corner of the street, working night and day).
So there I was, walking by midnight with my dead kitty in a bag. I cried in front of the veterinary, couldn't help. He understood of course. He had prepared all the papers to take care of the body of my baby.
What an awful evening. I felt I had failed my Conan. Guilt is selfish, it's not what matters. My baby was gone in a few minutes. * Sigh *
Sorry if I talk a lot, I had to do it. Love you my lil Conan, king of the kittyworld, or red carpet : )
I am so mad at myself, I know it's an accident but...
Conan belonged to the Innocents of this world, something like that. This shouldn't have happened.
Crashed, mewed.
Lola screamed, I was working. I rushed down the stairs. Found him there scared, hiding behind the fence.
I took him back upstairs. Said to the kids he seemed in shock.
Lola had him in her arms for a couple of minutes. Then he started to breathe in a unusual way, his eyes looking weird.
I asked Lola to give him back to me, put him on my knees. He wasn't comfortable. He wanted to move. I put him down, he made a few steps. He started to spit blood and pieces of whatever from his insides. I told the kids to go to the neighbours, fast fast. I went with them to explain, it took a few seconds.
I came back and my baby was lying in his own blood, tongue out, eyes empty. There were really blood everywhere around him.
I called my sister, she would help me. But she was unreachable. I called my mom, I collapsed on the phone, I did not know what to do, I was screaming, panicking. Desperate. Sounds childish, I don't know. But I felt like someone was stabbing my heart, couldn't breathe.
A neighbour joined, I think he was more shocked than I already was.
I took a trash bag, put my baby into it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My neighbour took him down to the cellar.
I went to look for the kids. I explained them, they already knew anyway. we all cried quietly for long minutes, holding each other.
Once they were in (my) bed, Loup fell asleep while crying, and I said to Lola I had to go to the veterinary for a few minutes (he is just at the corner of the street, working night and day).
So there I was, walking by midnight with my dead kitty in a bag. I cried in front of the veterinary, couldn't help. He understood of course. He had prepared all the papers to take care of the body of my baby.
What an awful evening. I felt I had failed my Conan. Guilt is selfish, it's not what matters. My baby was gone in a few minutes. * Sigh *
Sorry if I talk a lot, I had to do it. Love you my lil Conan, king of the kittyworld, or red carpet : )
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Say Cheese!
I always love the contrast between deadly aspect and glamour. The barbie is a perfect tool to express it : )
Same with fairy tales, pin-ups.
On this one, that deadly smile is perfect. (but LGaga's video's inspiration for sure).
What you see is never what it is they say. But a classic barbie gets this exact smile to me.
The artist is just revealing a reality. Love it.
Same with fairy tales, pin-ups.
What you see is never what it is they say. But a classic barbie gets this exact smile to me.
The artist is just revealing a reality. Love it.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Wanna join my cabin?
I only watch movies on my computer (lately at least). The Cabin in the woods has been a precious exception..
I expected a scary movie like I used to watch years ago. And it was. But very funny too, and clever enough.
Love the scene when the Blond french kisses a dead wolf! hehe woaaaaa. Not a readhead thingie! Neeeee ;-)
I expected a scary movie like I used to watch years ago. And it was. But very funny too, and clever enough.
Love the scene when the Blond french kisses a dead wolf! hehe woaaaaa. Not a readhead thingie! Neeeee ;-)
Jungle (chapter #38)
So here I am, still looking for a job. I think I'm not the only one by the way (lol when I get a job interview, the pile of resumes is truly impressive!)
My job hunt has been a bit slower lately... with my grand-ma last days and divorce judgement, it was hard to focus on it.
But I'm back to it.
Got a very good interview last week to be a receptionist/assistant (that more or less the pic I gave them, without all that contrast huhu, they wanted a pic... They often want one!
And I fight hard to not look too tired... pfffff).
Got a super opportunity from a big internet company, but it was abroad... :( ... had to refuse. So frustrating, I could feel THE opportunity.
Medical assistant, part time actress (lol), assistant for laywers, assistant in associations welcoming homeless people, I answer any job offer I can.
Gotta be sure I don't work on weekends or in evenings.
People often worry that I have stopped having a regular job for 10 years.
Sigh.
But I've learnt to know how to sell myself now, and I learn everytime.
I am very curious what kind of job I'll get at the end (soon hopefully!)
My job hunt has been a bit slower lately... with my grand-ma last days and divorce judgement, it was hard to focus on it.
But I'm back to it.
And I fight hard to not look too tired... pfffff).
Got a super opportunity from a big internet company, but it was abroad... :( ... had to refuse. So frustrating, I could feel THE opportunity.
Medical assistant, part time actress (lol), assistant for laywers, assistant in associations welcoming homeless people, I answer any job offer I can.
Gotta be sure I don't work on weekends or in evenings.
People often worry that I have stopped having a regular job for 10 years.
Sigh.
But I've learnt to know how to sell myself now, and I learn everytime.
I am very curious what kind of job I'll get at the end (soon hopefully!)
A thought full of love
For Christa.
My beloved mother in law died a year ago. After terrible sufferings.
That was probably, precisely the beginning of a hard life chapter for me.
I loved her so much.
I keep her close in my heart. I remember her voice so clearly, her tenderness. She was a mom to me, so sweet.
I get her photo not far, everyday I send her kisses.
I miss you so much, Christa.
My beloved mother in law died a year ago. After terrible sufferings.
That was probably, precisely the beginning of a hard life chapter for me.
I loved her so much.
I keep her close in my heart. I remember her voice so clearly, her tenderness. She was a mom to me, so sweet.
I get her photo not far, everyday I send her kisses.
I miss you so much, Christa.
Metal up your ass
it was unexpected. I was invited at the very last minute to the Metallica show on Saturday.
I was down (what a change), not motivated.
A weekend without my babes around always gets this effect on me.
But I was there with a very good friend. So happy he thought of me to join : )
We were in the VIP quarter. Kate Moss was my neighbour, lol.
She was pretty, honest.
I would have almost killed to get her jacket and boots, but I was too down to try anything bad ;-)
The show wasn't the best, to my opinion. Too big, too cold.
Yet I was really happy to be there, a good way to distract myself : ))
I was down (what a change), not motivated.
A weekend without my babes around always gets this effect on me.
But I was there with a very good friend. So happy he thought of me to join : )
We were in the VIP quarter. Kate Moss was my neighbour, lol.She was pretty, honest.
I would have almost killed to get her jacket and boots, but I was too down to try anything bad ;-)
The show wasn't the best, to my opinion. Too big, too cold.
Yet I was really happy to be there, a good way to distract myself : ))
Monday, May 7, 2012
Heaven is a place on earth with you
I'm so sorry for the lack of news, the lack of answers to emails or messages. Any of them matters so much to me. Every word makes a difference.
Thank you... thank you, my beloved ones : )))
As always, I'm running after time.
I'm digesting the death of my grand-ma (she's burried at the feet of old mountains, and stupid, I worry she's cold, that really haunts me), I'm getting back to the job hunting, try to cope with the divorce process. And my babes. Lola's having epileptic crisis again, which is my priority now. And Loup is fine, but I keep a careful and attentive eye on him : )
They were very brave during the funerals, comforting their lil cousins.
I'm also back to the painting works. Finished a collage days ago, works on an order just now.
I don't give a fuck to the French elections that just happened. ** shrugging **. I paint, I do my own (adored) duty. : )
Heaven is here, and nowhere else. I have Hope, i'll find or build it.
Thank you, Gontran, for that song.
Thank you... thank you, my beloved ones : )))
As always, I'm running after time.
I'm digesting the death of my grand-ma (she's burried at the feet of old mountains, and stupid, I worry she's cold, that really haunts me), I'm getting back to the job hunting, try to cope with the divorce process. And my babes. Lola's having epileptic crisis again, which is my priority now. And Loup is fine, but I keep a careful and attentive eye on him : )
They were very brave during the funerals, comforting their lil cousins.
I'm also back to the painting works. Finished a collage days ago, works on an order just now.
I don't give a fuck to the French elections that just happened. ** shrugging **. I paint, I do my own (adored) duty. : )
Heaven is here, and nowhere else. I have Hope, i'll find or build it.
Thank you, Gontran, for that song.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Paradise should be just at the corner
I don't know.
On Saturday, I was in that hospital room with my mom. We were talking. It was about 7.00pm. We were used to the heavy breathing of my grand mother with her mask, oxygen, etc.
But suddenly.. Silence. Deadly silence.
"Mom, mom, she's stopping breathing !!!"
My hand on her heart. Not to check anything, just to, I don't know, touch her.
She breathes 2 times. One time.
She's gone.
My mom rushes to the doc, I take my grand-ma in my arms, crying. "No, no no no!!!"
She's gone.
"Why do you leave when I am with you, I can't handle that, I don't know how to handle that"
My sister had just left, my grandma wanted to spare her, I know.
We leave the room a few minutes later. The medical staff say they will "prepare her".
I ask them if they can close her mouth. "no problem !"
We leave for 20 minutes, my sister's back with us.
I get a call from Jenny, asking for news. Jenny, an angel : ))
We go back to the room, I expect to see my grandma, all pretty.
But.
She's in a white plastic bag already, around her head a bandage. She's already completely yellow.
(why did the skin turn SO yellow?? weird)
I was the first to be back in the room. I rush out, I tell my sis to wait a minute to get ready for something bad.
I get back there, open the plastic back down to her waist. I arrange a bedshit around her head, to hide the bandage.
My sister can't approach her, can't look at her. My mom is devastated.
I'm happy I'm a girl with a girlie handbag. I kiss my grandma. I start to put some nail varnish on her pretty hands.
Some light lipstick on her pretty lips. Now she's so pretty in death.
I hug her tight tight. And I won't stop for hours. Her still warm dead body comfort me.
Tomorrow, the funerals.
And tomorrow, probably the first judgement for my divorce.
I'm used to the worst at the moment, since months, so, it shouldn't be that bad.
Wish me luck when I read love words during the ceremony. It will happen at 11.00am.
I think I am strong, but I am not sure really.
On Saturday, I was in that hospital room with my mom. We were talking. It was about 7.00pm. We were used to the heavy breathing of my grand mother with her mask, oxygen, etc.
But suddenly.. Silence. Deadly silence.
"Mom, mom, she's stopping breathing !!!"
My hand on her heart. Not to check anything, just to, I don't know, touch her.
She breathes 2 times. One time.
She's gone.
My mom rushes to the doc, I take my grand-ma in my arms, crying. "No, no no no!!!"
She's gone.
"Why do you leave when I am with you, I can't handle that, I don't know how to handle that"
My sister had just left, my grandma wanted to spare her, I know.
We leave the room a few minutes later. The medical staff say they will "prepare her".
I ask them if they can close her mouth. "no problem !"
We leave for 20 minutes, my sister's back with us.
I get a call from Jenny, asking for news. Jenny, an angel : ))
We go back to the room, I expect to see my grandma, all pretty.
But.
She's in a white plastic bag already, around her head a bandage. She's already completely yellow.
(why did the skin turn SO yellow?? weird)
I was the first to be back in the room. I rush out, I tell my sis to wait a minute to get ready for something bad.
I get back there, open the plastic back down to her waist. I arrange a bedshit around her head, to hide the bandage.
My sister can't approach her, can't look at her. My mom is devastated.
I'm happy I'm a girl with a girlie handbag. I kiss my grandma. I start to put some nail varnish on her pretty hands.
Some light lipstick on her pretty lips. Now she's so pretty in death.
I hug her tight tight. And I won't stop for hours. Her still warm dead body comfort me.
Tomorrow, the funerals.
And tomorrow, probably the first judgement for my divorce.
I'm used to the worst at the moment, since months, so, it shouldn't be that bad.
Wish me luck when I read love words during the ceremony. It will happen at 11.00am.
I think I am strong, but I am not sure really.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Vampire bites
The family, uncles, aunts, etc, called today. What a festival..
They don't want me to keep going to the hospital alone. My grand-mother is too close to death now they say, blind, moaning in a most painful way despite the morphine.
And I wondered why I was so down lately. Many reasons could explain that. But I realise it's my time at the hospital. The smell of death there. My energy and sensitivity being devoured.
When I am there, I believe I am strong and it goes pretty well. But once back home, I feeling like throwing up, I cry and I do not make the direct link with the hospital. I remember a year ago being at the hospital while my mother n law was dying. I think of my lil problems. I get down, more than usual.
The real thing sucking energy in me is that hospital. My grand-ma suffering like in hell, unable to die.
I believe my family's right. None of them, including my sister, can stand spending hours there alone.
They don't want me to keep going to the hospital alone. My grand-mother is too close to death now they say, blind, moaning in a most painful way despite the morphine.
And I wondered why I was so down lately. Many reasons could explain that. But I realise it's my time at the hospital. The smell of death there. My energy and sensitivity being devoured.
When I am there, I believe I am strong and it goes pretty well. But once back home, I feeling like throwing up, I cry and I do not make the direct link with the hospital. I remember a year ago being at the hospital while my mother n law was dying. I think of my lil problems. I get down, more than usual.
The real thing sucking energy in me is that hospital. My grand-ma suffering like in hell, unable to die.
I believe my family's right. None of them, including my sister, can stand spending hours there alone.
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
still pushing the heavy wheel
On Thursday, I get another job interveiw, I shouldn't even talk of it on here (superstition!) , but well...
Assistant in a private clinic in the 16th arrondissement.
Dunno how I'll get the time to prepare the interview with the devils around, but I'll make it : )
Assistant in a private clinic in the 16th arrondissement.
Dunno how I'll get the time to prepare the interview with the devils around, but I'll make it : )
Body pump, attack, combat & now Zumba!
One thing that really helps me to be strong enough and not too down is sport. When everything collapses around and I can still push my body to limits with sport, then I believe I can succeed with everything.
It's absolutely astonishing how it does matter today.
On Sunday, I joined a special session of Zumba (hip-hop & Latin dance-inspired fitness program) for 2 hours.
Well I hated zumba before but... I just dived into it, feeling I needed that besides musculation & fitness. It was so exhausting and so cool.
Below are two choreographies that we do in Zumba. I tell you, when *you* do it, it's super fun, when you watch it, it's fun too ;-)
It's absolutely astonishing how it does matter today.
On Sunday, I joined a special session of Zumba (hip-hop & Latin dance-inspired fitness program) for 2 hours.
Well I hated zumba before but... I just dived into it, feeling I needed that besides musculation & fitness. It was so exhausting and so cool.
Below are two choreographies that we do in Zumba. I tell you, when *you* do it, it's super fun, when you watch it, it's fun too ;-)
Guardian angels
My lil grand-mother ("lil", no she's way taller than I! but she's so weak...)
On Friday morning, my sister and I (the geographically closest to the hospital), were called. "your grand mother is dying now".
We hurry, join there, scared of what we will find. Our grand mother still alive or..?
The rest of the family waits for our calls. Others will arrive to the hospital later.
She was still alive, so weak.
Today, she is weaker.
But she can open her eyes, she is "here". But you feel she is living her last days.
It is almost worse that she is conscious. Despite the morphine, she is suffering so much, you can see it.
It is hard, really hard.
Harder for those who can't be with her as much as I can. Like for my sister who can't miss work anymore.
At least there's almost always someone with her on day time.
She's surrounded with so much love : ))
On Friday morning, my sister and I (the geographically closest to the hospital), were called. "your grand mother is dying now".
We hurry, join there, scared of what we will find. Our grand mother still alive or..?
The rest of the family waits for our calls. Others will arrive to the hospital later.
She was still alive, so weak.
Today, she is weaker.
But she can open her eyes, she is "here". But you feel she is living her last days.
It is almost worse that she is conscious. Despite the morphine, she is suffering so much, you can see it.
It is hard, really hard.
Harder for those who can't be with her as much as I can. Like for my sister who can't miss work anymore.
At least there's almost always someone with her on day time.
She's surrounded with so much love : ))
Monday, April 9, 2012
When the wheel turns
I will certainly enjoy some electroswing (lol, don't ya love that concept?!!) stuff
From planet Candles
in orbit, I am. Quicksands, always. Tornados often.
3 days, Easter, with hardly any job offer. And school holidays just around the corner, that will be even slower.
No improvement from my grand-ma.. I'm the closest to the hospital so I think I'll be there everyday, till I get a f**&%ing job.
I need to go out, see people, do more sport (isn't 8 hours/week enough? no nooooo) :P
3 days, Easter, with hardly any job offer. And school holidays just around the corner, that will be even slower.
No improvement from my grand-ma.. I'm the closest to the hospital so I think I'll be there everyday, till I get a f**&%ing job.
I need to go out, see people, do more sport (isn't 8 hours/week enough? no nooooo) :P
Thursday, April 5, 2012
When the planets act really badly...
.. against me ;-)
I should have started a job this week. Got a message when I entered the hospital room. It was cancelled, the offer.
It does not matter so much just now. It's just. sigh.
I have three professional dreams you know. Being a painter (i'm on it :P), being a tattooist ( I * only * have to buy the full equipment now to start learning the tattoo art), and being a professional bar-tender, making the best cocktails on earth. I would love that, I am totally into it, motivated to learn everything about it. : )
I could do the three ones in the same place. It could be in Florida, no? Or the Caribbean islands!
Dreams : )
I should have started a job this week. Got a message when I entered the hospital room. It was cancelled, the offer.
It does not matter so much just now. It's just. sigh.
I have three professional dreams you know. Being a painter (i'm on it :P), being a tattooist ( I * only * have to buy the full equipment now to start learning the tattoo art), and being a professional bar-tender, making the best cocktails on earth. I would love that, I am totally into it, motivated to learn everything about it. : )
I could do the three ones in the same place. It could be in Florida, no? Or the Caribbean islands!
Dreams : )
Love in the shape of a cigarette
Today, earlier.
I enter the hospital room. My aunty is there, just arrived from Germany. She can't talk, devastated by the sight of her mom.
My sister and I have been so lucky, yesterday our grand-mother was conscious. She moaned, but opened her eyes sometimes, pressed my hands so tight when I was crying.
I need you, I need you to press my hand whenever I cry, Bonne-maman. I need you.
How selfish.
I am smoking my cigarette as typing.
I remember when I was a teen. It was Christmas. I decided to smoke a cigarette, just like, erm, everybody around.
People, relatives, got shocked.
My grand-mother, so delicate, so much old-fashioned in her way, so much into traditions, etc... My grand-mother asked for a cigarette too.
Big shocked eyes from everyone.
She smoked that cigarette, that was so funny, telling everyone a cigarette from time to time was really an enjoyable little thing.
She was supporting me. Not to smoke, but against the rest of the rigid family. : ))
I love her.
Today, in her hospital bed, connected to so many things, she does not react anymore. I wish I could connect myself to this weird stuff. Supporting her against death.
But.
You just don't go against death.
***
PS:
Jenny, I got your message, I have no idea why it does not get published, but thank you so much! : )))
I enter the hospital room. My aunty is there, just arrived from Germany. She can't talk, devastated by the sight of her mom.
My sister and I have been so lucky, yesterday our grand-mother was conscious. She moaned, but opened her eyes sometimes, pressed my hands so tight when I was crying.
I need you, I need you to press my hand whenever I cry, Bonne-maman. I need you.
How selfish.
I am smoking my cigarette as typing.
I remember when I was a teen. It was Christmas. I decided to smoke a cigarette, just like, erm, everybody around.
People, relatives, got shocked.
My grand-mother, so delicate, so much old-fashioned in her way, so much into traditions, etc... My grand-mother asked for a cigarette too.
Big shocked eyes from everyone.
She smoked that cigarette, that was so funny, telling everyone a cigarette from time to time was really an enjoyable little thing.
She was supporting me. Not to smoke, but against the rest of the rigid family. : ))
I love her.
Today, in her hospital bed, connected to so many things, she does not react anymore. I wish I could connect myself to this weird stuff. Supporting her against death.
But.
You just don't go against death.
***
PS:
Jenny, I got your message, I have no idea why it does not get published, but thank you so much! : )))
Behind the screen...
..You read my words. You don't leave a comment or you do, but I know you're reading.
Writing down on here is actually so comforting.
I know exactly who I am talking to.
you...
YOU !
Writing down on here is actually so comforting.
I know exactly who I am talking to.
you...
YOU !
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
I don't know who I can talk to
but my bloggie ... how does that sound : )
my grandma is being reanimated.. I'm joining my sister to the hospital. Thank god, I don't have my babes with me tonight.
I hope.. many things, really.
Life ....
edit: I come into the hospital bedroom.
Her whole shape is different. Brain attacks break the body, it's terrifying. She does not look like herself at all. I wish there were dozens of photos around to show the doctors to show everyone how beautiful my grand mother is. She is so beautiful. I will show you a photo.
But today her skin is red. She breathes heavily. Her body has swollen, it is so weird.
Her face is distorted. I don't want to cry, well I want to, but I struggle.
My sister stands next to me, as moved as I am. It was she who found her lying on the floor, helpless.
We were just kids not so long ago. That gives me some unbearable vertigo.
** My sister and I are running, again pursued by tall roosters. Taller than us. We run fast, kinda really scared, to finally jump into the arms of our grandma. She scares the nasty roosters, laughs but warns us to be very careful with them. It's summertime. I'll hate roosters, chicken, pigeons, birds, for the rest of my life : )**
I thought I was to be responsible for my kids. Not for my rock.
Our grand-mother is our rock.
I kiss her hand, she holds mine, pressing hard. Only love words come out. She answers, but her voice is distorted too. She can't talk, she moans in a heart-breaking way. Sometimes she suddenly opens her eyes wide in some crazy desperate efforts. Then she closes them for most of the time.
More sounds come out from her when I start to cry kissing her hand.
We all know it happens this way at the end.
Who can stand that.
the oedema in her brain is getting bigger and bigger. She gets a bad lung infection.
I don't want to receive any call. She can make it you know, she's not like anybody. She's my grand mother.
my grandma is being reanimated.. I'm joining my sister to the hospital. Thank god, I don't have my babes with me tonight.
I hope.. many things, really.
Life ....
edit: I come into the hospital bedroom.
Her whole shape is different. Brain attacks break the body, it's terrifying. She does not look like herself at all. I wish there were dozens of photos around to show the doctors to show everyone how beautiful my grand mother is. She is so beautiful. I will show you a photo.
But today her skin is red. She breathes heavily. Her body has swollen, it is so weird.
Her face is distorted. I don't want to cry, well I want to, but I struggle.
My sister stands next to me, as moved as I am. It was she who found her lying on the floor, helpless.
We were just kids not so long ago. That gives me some unbearable vertigo.
** My sister and I are running, again pursued by tall roosters. Taller than us. We run fast, kinda really scared, to finally jump into the arms of our grandma. She scares the nasty roosters, laughs but warns us to be very careful with them. It's summertime. I'll hate roosters, chicken, pigeons, birds, for the rest of my life : )**
I thought I was to be responsible for my kids. Not for my rock.
Our grand-mother is our rock.
I kiss her hand, she holds mine, pressing hard. Only love words come out. She answers, but her voice is distorted too. She can't talk, she moans in a heart-breaking way. Sometimes she suddenly opens her eyes wide in some crazy desperate efforts. Then she closes them for most of the time.
More sounds come out from her when I start to cry kissing her hand.
We all know it happens this way at the end.
Who can stand that.
the oedema in her brain is getting bigger and bigger. She gets a bad lung infection.
I don't want to receive any call. She can make it you know, she's not like anybody. She's my grand mother.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Second round
First part of the heavy week's done, got lots of homework to do before next week.
It was tough, unpleasant.
And tomorrow, finally, I get my second interview. I feel like a ball in my stomach, no stress for it, but wondering what will happen next.
I gotta get into the spirit now : I'll paint my nails. Perfect hands, I can do that ... ;-)
It was tough, unpleasant.
And tomorrow, finally, I get my second interview. I feel like a ball in my stomach, no stress for it, but wondering what will happen next.
I gotta get into the spirit now : I'll paint my nails. Perfect hands, I can do that ... ;-)
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Quicksand
I walk, one step, then another.
The ground isn't as hard as I thought, I'm about to lose my balance sometimes, even fall.
It was scary the first times.
you just don't know how often you will fall. Then you learn how to. Just like when skiing : )
I'm learning to love quicksands, because I think life is truly this way. Don't take anything for granted, anything.
I'm about to start a heavy week. Tomorrow, trying to defend myself for a job and later my case with my lawyer.
I am back to cigarettes for real, well 1, 2 a day. Bad enough. But however bad it is, right now stopping is not my priority.
;-)
The ground isn't as hard as I thought, I'm about to lose my balance sometimes, even fall.
It was scary the first times.
you just don't know how often you will fall. Then you learn how to. Just like when skiing : )
I'm learning to love quicksands, because I think life is truly this way. Don't take anything for granted, anything.
I'm about to start a heavy week. Tomorrow, trying to defend myself for a job and later my case with my lawyer.
I am back to cigarettes for real, well 1, 2 a day. Bad enough. But however bad it is, right now stopping is not my priority.
;-)
The Job, part 2
I've spent one hour today working on my second job interview for the company I saw last week.
The first interview went well it seems. On Friday I got a call for second interview tomorrow morning at 10.00am, this time with the HR manager.
I was so proud.
Funny when you've stopped working in a formal biz environment for 10 years... you get back into it, but you're everything but formal. You answer typical questions, but just can't answer in a typical way. Even if I imagine the expected answers, I have to go straight to the point :
"Why do you want this job?"
"because it is a very interesting position that will allow me to develop my career"
"because (and then I give my most pretty smile) I need to feed my kids"
It would take me 30 minutes to go there, very well located in Paris centre.
I wonder, god I wonder how I'll make it... alone, full time job, the kids, my painting biz, and myself. No holidays for a year.
I need Superman to take care of me sometimes. I should be an emergency for him! : )
Please Superman, come here and take care of me for a couple of hours only.
It's stressing, but exciting. I'm going to be a super modern girl. Capable to do everything, alone.
And one day, one day trust me, my paintings will be enough. I'll be a successful artist. I wouldn't type it if I wouldn't believe it. Forced to make it happen now : )
edit: both appointments, the job and lawyer have been postponed ! boooo
The first interview went well it seems. On Friday I got a call for second interview tomorrow morning at 10.00am, this time with the HR manager.
I was so proud.
Funny when you've stopped working in a formal biz environment for 10 years... you get back into it, but you're everything but formal. You answer typical questions, but just can't answer in a typical way. Even if I imagine the expected answers, I have to go straight to the point :
"Why do you want this job?"
"
"because (and then I give my most pretty smile) I need to feed my kids"
It would take me 30 minutes to go there, very well located in Paris centre.
I wonder, god I wonder how I'll make it... alone, full time job, the kids, my painting biz, and myself. No holidays for a year.
I need Superman to take care of me sometimes. I should be an emergency for him! : )
Please Superman, come here and take care of me for a couple of hours only.
It's stressing, but exciting. I'm going to be a super modern girl. Capable to do everything, alone.
And one day, one day trust me, my paintings will be enough. I'll be a successful artist. I wouldn't type it if I wouldn't believe it. Forced to make it happen now : )
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
the Job
Tomorrow, job interview, at 2.00pm, 9th arrondissement, for %%o%ù (fainting with feet pleasure)
Wish me luck!
edit : the interview went pretty well yesterday, so I gotta wait and see if I'll be part of the 3 last ones to get a second job interview : ) ... If it does not work, then... great training for the next one!
Wish me luck!
edit : the interview went pretty well yesterday, so I gotta wait and see if I'll be part of the 3 last ones to get a second job interview : ) ... If it does not work, then... great training for the next one!
The wall
That's pretty cool. I got the confirmation my paintings will be exposed on big walls, for two months, September and October. Not in a gallery no, just a big shop near selling art equipment.
But they'll also make advertisement for me on their site, and that is pretty cool.
You get much more visitors there than in any gallery :P
But they'll also make advertisement for me on their site, and that is pretty cool.
You get much more visitors there than in any gallery :P
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Meat
I've watched the Grey the other day.
Why did I like it? Expected script: a plane crashes in the middle of a beautiful nowhere (Alaska). Troubles.
Maybe it's Liam Neeson, probably. Wonderful actor. But there was more. The way it was filmed, I dunno, unusual, fitting the topic.
I also watched it the way I listened to fairy tales as a kid. And there were big wolves involved, and I was scared. Pleasure.
Of course we are the wolves of many species. Wolves with consciousness, wolves with a pretended knowledge about good and evil. That does not change anything. A cow's a cow, and very good in a plate.
I've had my best tartar ever on Saturday. For 5.20€. A Thai tartar. Exquisite!
Why did I like it? Expected script: a plane crashes in the middle of a beautiful nowhere (Alaska). Troubles.
Maybe it's Liam Neeson, probably. Wonderful actor. But there was more. The way it was filmed, I dunno, unusual, fitting the topic.
I also watched it the way I listened to fairy tales as a kid. And there were big wolves involved, and I was scared. Pleasure.
Of course we are the wolves of many species. Wolves with consciousness, wolves with a pretended knowledge about good and evil. That does not change anything. A cow's a cow, and very good in a plate.
I've had my best tartar ever on Saturday. For 5.20€. A Thai tartar. Exquisite!
Addiction
No sport in two days and I feel kinda down. I know, oh god i knowwwww it comes directly from lack of it, that's pretty scary.
I'll spend the week training by myself this time... hard to add sport to super busy days!
I'll spend the week training by myself this time... hard to add sport to super busy days!
Wish I was there
Rammstein's performing at Bercy right now. I bought my ticket 8 months ago.
Had to sell it yesterday to a young boy wanting to see their .... fireworks performance. Waaaaaaa
The show is being officially filmed. That's a very very tiny compensation for my broken heart : )
They have some effect on me, you wouldn't imagine!
Had to sell it yesterday to a young boy wanting to see their .... fireworks performance. Waaaaaaa
The show is being officially filmed. That's a very very tiny compensation for my broken heart : )
They have some effect on me, you wouldn't imagine!
Monday, February 27, 2012
Most lovely zombie song for a true zombie one
And I wonder how my body survives such short nights.
Hm, sport's probably helping a LOT : )
(thank you, music FB gang, for the link)
Hm, sport's probably helping a LOT : )
(thank you, music FB gang, for the link)
Two most beloved Priorities
Holiday time is a dead time for job offers (sigh).
My priorities, part time job or full time with tight schedule, not too far. God, I wouldn't have babes, I'd take anything, night and day, preferably something interesting.
But today my priorities are my babies of course. So I try anything, even if I am overqualified (I think) for most of the job offers I chose.
I've got good contacts, interesting phone calls, a looong job interview last week for a part time job... but with working hours that really did not fit (like starting to work in the middle of afternoon, etc).
sigh.
Today, something terribly not interesting, assistant in some, I dunno, AC company I think.. but with good money and close and with perfect working times. 5 days a week from 8.30 to 12.30. That would let me time to work on my paintings and sell them, and take care of the devils : )
I could also get a quick divorce and marry a very rich man! hehe.
sigh.
I sigh a lot, but I smile, no worries.
My priorities, part time job or full time with tight schedule, not too far. God, I wouldn't have babes, I'd take anything, night and day, preferably something interesting.
But today my priorities are my babies of course. So I try anything, even if I am overqualified (I think) for most of the job offers I chose.
I've got good contacts, interesting phone calls, a looong job interview last week for a part time job... but with working hours that really did not fit (like starting to work in the middle of afternoon, etc).
sigh.
Today, something terribly not interesting, assistant in some, I dunno, AC company I think.. but with good money and close and with perfect working times. 5 days a week from 8.30 to 12.30. That would let me time to work on my paintings and sell them, and take care of the devils : )
I could also get a quick divorce and marry a very rich man! hehe.
sigh.
I sigh a lot, but I smile, no worries.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Anticipation, stress and cigarette
My devils start their Winter holidays tomorrow.
What does it mean now for me? It means I gotta learn how to "share" them. I'm not used to not have them close to me.
It's crazy, painful.
For a few days, I'll feel sick inside, I'll keep myself as busy as possible. Sport and friends will be like Heaven. Sweet escape.
I've had a packet of cigarettes for 2 months. I've smoked one only.
2 others borrowed to friends.
I'll never let cigarettes be an addiction again, but these cigarettes have been truly good. I dream of that cigarette I'll have on one of those evenings, when I will think about the sleeping face of my babes, the peaceful rhythm of their heart. And miss them : )
What does it mean now for me? It means I gotta learn how to "share" them. I'm not used to not have them close to me.
It's crazy, painful.
For a few days, I'll feel sick inside, I'll keep myself as busy as possible. Sport and friends will be like Heaven. Sweet escape.
I've had a packet of cigarettes for 2 months. I've smoked one only.
2 others borrowed to friends.
I'll never let cigarettes be an addiction again, but these cigarettes have been truly good. I dream of that cigarette I'll have on one of those evenings, when I will think about the sleeping face of my babes, the peaceful rhythm of their heart. And miss them : )
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Hunter
Hunting for boots comes first to my mind. 
Hunting for food or sex come right after.
But right now I'm hunting for a job. Being on my own and just selling paintings is not enough (one day it will be !! ).
It's complicate (and that only sums up pretty well my life at the moment). I gotta find something, part time job, that allows me to take care of my kids at the same time. But making enough money is important, and keeping working on my painting business too. God that's complicate! lol
Online jobs... pretty risky, you have really anything. Usually demanding and not well paid at all.
So, I'm trying anything just now... as long as it sounds serious.
I avoid anything like...
"Vous avez un ordinateur, une webcam, une connexion internet et l'envie de gagner de l'argent facilement en vous amusant : ce job est fait pour vous !" .... steamy!
"Looking for Personal Assistant Needed, Must be able to pass a drug test. All qualifying" ... Annoying!
"URGENT ! Artiste cherche modèle féminin pour poser nue pour ses cours de dessin d'après modèle vivant.(environ 10 élèves)" ... huhu ... ha ben à poil? je passe! lol
"Stage garanti sans photocopie H/F (75016, Paris 16ème)" ... Mwahaha... je déteste pas les photocopies, mais pour que dalle, merci bien!
Hunting for food or sex come right after.
But right now I'm hunting for a job. Being on my own and just selling paintings is not enough (one day it will be !! ).
It's complicate (and that only sums up pretty well my life at the moment). I gotta find something, part time job, that allows me to take care of my kids at the same time. But making enough money is important, and keeping working on my painting business too. God that's complicate! lol
Online jobs... pretty risky, you have really anything. Usually demanding and not well paid at all.
So, I'm trying anything just now... as long as it sounds serious.
I avoid anything like...
"Vous avez un ordinateur, une webcam, une connexion internet et l'envie de gagner de l'argent facilement en vous amusant : ce job est fait pour vous !" .... steamy!
"Looking for Personal Assistant Needed, Must be able to pass a drug test. All qualifying" ... Annoying!
"URGENT ! Artiste cherche modèle féminin pour poser nue pour ses cours de dessin d'après modèle vivant.(environ 10 élèves)" ... huhu ... ha ben à poil? je passe! lol
"Stage garanti sans photocopie H/F (75016, Paris 16ème)" ... Mwahaha... je déteste pas les photocopies, mais pour que dalle, merci bien!
I just can't get enough?
Do you know how to prioritize? 'cause I don't. What's important to me right now? Getting on well with the father of my babes? Making money to pay for our nest? Recovering from the emotional injuries? I have no idea. I think money comes first, because it concerns directly my babies. : )
Don't have a conversation with me at the moment. I start my sentences and never finish them. I jump to another topic, there's chaos in my mind, I can't focus on one single thing.
I only try to slow down with the devils sometimes. In the evening. Shhh... I want home to be a warm peaceful nest for them.
But then... when I go to sleep, I'm lost again... In my dreams, chaos: I'm writing resumes, I'm doing gym, I stand in front of my ex's girlfriend (wondering about the look in her eyes), and I talk to my sister.
I want a fireplace, the kitties on my knees, the devils on my sides. I want that, or a good drug, dunno. Well preferably the first choice! lol
Deep inside though I am monowishing, and I plainly dream of that, nothing else.
I only try to slow down with the devils sometimes. In the evening. Shhh... I want home to be a warm peaceful nest for them.
But then... when I go to sleep, I'm lost again... In my dreams, chaos: I'm writing resumes, I'm doing gym, I stand in front of my ex's girlfriend (wondering about the look in her eyes), and I talk to my sister.
I want a fireplace, the kitties on my knees, the devils on my sides. I want that, or a good drug, dunno. Well preferably the first choice! lol
Deep inside though I am monowishing, and I plainly dream of that, nothing else.
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