Battles

swallowing a hot coffee, feeling like I could share this coffee with someone.
Getting ready for work, kids, sport, kids, painting

Adjusting

A new job is pretty hard. Working in a social environment is just like landing on another planet.
Today I arrived at work, found a homeless one in front of the still closed door, surrounded by his bros and sis. He was on the floor, bleeding. Huge injury in his head, he had just fallen really badly after an epileptic crisis.

I helped the way I could, put handkerchiefs on his bleeding head (as firemen told me on the phone) and waited for the emergency help.

Then I started my day, a bit shocked I reckon.

4 months

Been smoking for 4 months and it's been fucking good. Incredibly good.
I still have 2 paquets of 20 cigarettes at home.
I smoke, between 10 and 15 cigs a day. Old habits came back fast.

When these 2 paquets are over, I'll be done. I quite smoking despite the real pleasure it brings me. It's too damn expensive. Maybe sexy on the pic, but I don't want to be that slave.

Sigh.

Happy sigh : )

And I thought I was busy?? ha!

Oh God, my new job is very interesting but very demanding on many levels. Without talking of the time spent in metro and tramway.

I finished tonight at 6.30pm, came back home, exhausted, grabbed my sport-bag (the devils are with their dads on Tuesday's evening), when to sweat for 1 hour, finally left by 9.30pm, went for food shopping and I'm just back.

Tomorrow morning, I gotta contact the school very early for summer camp for the kids, then rush to work, then rush back around here to take the kids who will be at a neighbour's till I come back from work.

Meanwhile, there are a hundred of things I gotta do, my head is about to explode : )

And meanwhile really... I gotta get a life!

Tell me it won't be that speed and that hard all the time....

My art in the name of feet

A painting sold, 3 pairs of shoes expected at home.

Mines for work mostly,
my devils' for toes in the air

It's good to sell one's art sometimes :)

Planting my flag on a new planet

First day at work.
Wonderful people surrounding me. My boss gives me 10 days to get used to the place, to the people, to explore every corner of it.
It feels strange to be in a same place for many hours. It feels strange to try to fit to a company's habits. Remembering names is already something : )
Strange to dress for some "official work".  Strange to be part of the massive running workers in the tramway and metro. 40 to 45 min to get to my working place.

I hope though I'll be the perfect assistant I'm expected to be.

Taking care of my babes at the same time, even if only part-time job is something. I never finish just in time when they finishes school and that already requires so much organisation. Thank god, people and friends around are very helpful, always someone to keep an eye over my devils.

I'm tired tonight and nothing compared with the tiredness you get after 2 hours at sport.
Gotta finish taking care of some papers and then I'll work a bit on one of my paintings.

And well, I'm still playing lottery..

Doomed (Vultures are prowling)

Doomed (Vultures are prowling)
... is the last painting I've done and sold. So happy to sell my art sometimes! And this one is truly beautiful, big and imposing : )

I'm working on two others. I will soon contact an old cinema in the Montparnasse district that exhibit paintings and is pretty well known for that. 6 months to wait before showing one's art but it's something I wanna try : )

Taiming the lonely beast

It's been 8 months now I've been living alone with my devils and demons.
But alone as an adult, a woman.

One of my demons dies, no one around to help me. Still gotta learn about that.

My babes, adorable devils... gotta focus on them night and day at 100%. I'm getting good at that.

Sleeping alone in a huge bed, scary at the beginning. Got used to it.

Going out, a man following me, no one next to me to make me feel safe. Gotta count on myself only. I'm practising.

Successes. I want to raise my glass to a good piece of news. I want to make love and celebrate. But there I am talking to my beloved Satan, which is different, but good too.

Failures. I would need support late at night, a partner telling it's gonna be ok. But I look at myself in the mirror. It's just you and I. I'm adjusting. A cigarette still helps at the moment.

Future. Hard to imagine any. But if I make my babes happy when they wake up, then it's wonderful. Feeding them, making them feel safe and totally loved is what matters.

Men. I have a perfect age to be of men's interest, young, old, they're all into it. I look at myself in the mirror.. and now what?

Being alone. A burden. A gift? .. A Freedom where independence takes its full meaning.

Coming back home. And no one waiting for you. But that mirror, telling everything.

It's 2.00am, I'm just back home, gonna watch something. Can't sleep. It's just Satan and I this weekend.

And I'll make the best of it.

The journey is within myself. I had forgotten who I was. Maybe... maybe... it's the opportunity of my life..


System Of A Down - Lonely Day par hahaestcemoi

Ready for work, girl?

Oh good! cause you've just got a job!

yeahhh! After, hm, 6 months, long... endless months.
Yesterday I got a call from the boss of a company I contacted a couple of weeks ago.
I was so much affected by Conan's brutal death that I couldn't share that good news, except with the kids.

A job, finally. Part-time job to be the boss' assistant.

The company... An association taking care of homeless people. What a different environment for me, so motivating.

My interview 2 weeks ago went ok it seems. I'm really really happy. I'll be working 2 afternoons and 2 mornings per week.

Can keep on with my painting biz and maybe find another part time job :)

No holiday for me this year. I don't care, except for my babes...
I want so much to take them abroad and explore the World with them. One day...

And maybe one day I can afford for those too..

PS: no way I can wear the WHITE ones... but make them red or black and oh yeahhh!

Mourning my baby boy

As most have seen on FB, I lost Conan in a tragic accident that I could have prevented.

I am so mad at myself, I know it's an accident but...
Conan belonged to the Innocents of this world, something like that. This shouldn't have happened.

He felt on Friday evening from the 5th floor.
Crashed, mewed.
Lola screamed, I was working. I rushed down the stairs. Found him there scared, hiding behind the fence.
I took him back upstairs. Said to the kids he seemed in shock.

Lola had him in her arms for a couple of minutes. Then he started to breathe in a unusual way, his eyes looking weird.

I asked Lola to give him back to me, put him on my knees. He wasn't comfortable. He wanted to move. I put him down, he made a few steps. He started to spit blood and pieces of whatever from his insides. I told the kids to go to the neighbours, fast fast. I went with them to explain, it took a few seconds.

I came back and my baby was lying in his own blood, tongue out, eyes empty. There were really blood everywhere around him.
I called my sister, she would help me. But she was unreachable. I called my mom, I collapsed on the phone, I did not know what to do, I was screaming, panicking. Desperate. Sounds childish, I don't know. But I felt like someone was stabbing my heart, couldn't breathe.

A neighbour joined, I think he was more shocked than I already was.
I took a trash bag, put my baby into it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
My neighbour took him down to the cellar.

I went to look for the kids. I explained them, they already knew anyway. we all cried quietly for long minutes, holding each other.
Once they were in (my) bed, Loup fell asleep while crying, and I said to Lola I had to go to the veterinary for a few minutes (he is just at the corner of the street, working night and day).
So there I was, walking by midnight with my dead kitty in a bag. I cried in front of the veterinary, couldn't help. He understood of course. He had prepared all the papers to take care of the body of my baby.

What an awful evening. I felt I had failed my Conan. Guilt is selfish, it's not what matters. My baby was gone in a few minutes. * Sigh *

Sorry if I talk a lot, I had to do it. Love you my lil Conan, king of the kittyworld, or red carpet : )